♥️

Can’t make this S*** up 😳

When you are searching for paper towels…

#whattheheck #slapintheface #pastmidnight #ohtheirony 😳🙈😡🙄😬

How do you keep from eating allll the snacks though…

Stay safe admits this chaos dear friends ❤️

Please don’t panic but use precautions (logical and sane ones), get updates from the CDC, stay kind, take care of loved ones and please wash those hands ❤️

International Women’s Day 💪🏻♥️💪🏻….annnd Daylight saving…. 😴

Here’s to strong 💕🤩💪🏻 💕women;

May we know them,

May we be them,

May we raise them ♥️♥️♥️

My grandma ♥️

My sis coming to the rescue when I was on bed rest with baby #2

InternationalWomensDay #butdidithavetocoincidewithdaylightsavings #notfair #usmothersareexhaustedwomen #verystrongbutalsoverytired 😅😉😴😳

The strongest Woman I know- my own mama ♥️
💕My mini me 💕
Real life specimen of a “very tired mama”~ exhausted edition 😴🤪😩

That kinda night 👀

If was that kinda night 👀✨🎨🖍🖌✂️✨ #Glitterglittereverywhere #instantregret #creativekiddos #exhaustedmama #Finallycleanish #Goodnightmamas #glamorous #howwasyournight #diy #saturdaynight

Time for fun with my youngest ♥️

😂😳😅🥰😘

The pleasure and the pain 💔

I haven’t talked or singed to you yet, I haven’t felt you kick or gotten huge (but I did pick out a name-of course I did-that is like one of my favorite parts, and I did picture you and planned for you…and I longed for you – we all did).

Again my heart breaks for women who are further along, who might have experienced all of these things. A miscarriage happens if the loss happens before 20 weeks of pregnancy but a loss after 12 weeks is very rare…

I research (mostly by fanatically googling) miscarriage at week ten, eleven…and twelve. Surprisingly and I would say shockingly there is not much information. Especially not from healthcare providers and medical professionals. There are a mostly anecdotal stories from some brave women (that frankly scare the s*it out of me). Had I not talked to my very candid doctor I would not have known what to expect at all…

I have had losses before, very early losses that were more like super heavy periods-somehow I thought this would be the same (especially since I already experienced my heavy bleed because of the internal hemorrhage-preventing us from taking that much needed family vacation…). Women usually experiences the loss early one, right after the positive pregnancy test or even before-not even knowing about the pregnancy OR the loss. In these cases it IS usually like a very heavy period and even if that is also incredibly sad-especially of course if they knew about the pregnancy-these cases are the most common of the “1 in 4” . I still feel at a loss for the lack of documentation of miscarriages in the later weeks of the first trimester.

The personal stories are sometimes horrific and they are all so so sad.

Again, I know I’m lucky in so many ways. Number one of course being having three incredible, amazing, wonderful and healthy children already. My mind goes to women who are trying for their first child, and women who are experiencing this over and over again…
How absolutely devastating…

This is not my first baby (or my second…) I am not further along…
I have amazing doctors and amazing support. I have knowledge and help and healthcare and resources.
I know in my gut that this is absolutely for the best, that something is wrong with the baby and that she wouldn’t have survived anyways (but my heart…)

When the bleeding starts up again, I do exactly as my doctor advices me to. I dump the kids on my husband and lock myself in our bedroom.

I read stories online and cry (okay maybe not the best plan but I tell myself it is “for information only”). I read these terrible stories, especially remembering one about a woman who miscarriages in the shower at 11 weeks describing the pain as unbearable and delivering what actually looked exactly like a tiny baby.

Here is the thing, I did not know miscarriage would look or feel anything like this…

My doctor explains that it feels just like the beginning stages of giving birth. To miscarry at this week in “the game” means contraction-like beginning to mid-stage contractions-and they will hurt. You just have to “power through”. She suggests curling up in bed, trying to get as “comfortable” as possible, riding through and breathing through the pain.

The other thing I was clueless about was what actually comes out of you. It is seriously awful and there is no way to prepare…

The blood I could deal with and even explain away. I mean as women, we bleed every month, and then when we give birth, and don’t get me started about afterwards…

Talking about afterwards (disgusting TMI- do not say I didn’t warn you..) you know the chunks that come out of you…yes, this happens during this stage of miscarriage as well…only this time it will be bigger chunks and clots and eventually the fetus and all that comes with it.

Best idea is not to focus on that and take a “nature gets rid of what is not meant to be” approach. There is not much that you can do other than hoping that God has a better plan in store (or whatever you believe).

I start bleeding heavily in bed, curled up with one of my favorite movies on TV. When I stand up the blood is trickling down my legs.
I cramp exactly like a contraction and limp crunched over to the bathroom. What comes out of me is truly crazy and huge compared to the clots. And then something smaller but very different. I really think that is the worst part and that it is the fetus and that I’m pretty much done.
Please stop reading now if you had enough!!!

I was asked to take pictures by the doctor (please don’t throw up…or think less of me), so I now know that was the placenta…and the sac…

The “fetus”, still tiny of course a not yet a “baby” of course (nature, nature, nature), looks completely different-feels different, is of different consistency and color (think grey…). It has the shape…you can totally see it-it is beyond heartbreaking…
I know I shouldn’t have looked…but it’s pretty much unavoidable…besides I was asked too…

The after clots and chunks keep coming for the next hours, then getting smaller and smaller over the last three days but the bleeding lasts for another two weeks…
There; TMI finished!

I make it back to bed with one of those giant diapers for old people inserted in my mesh underwear (I knew I would somehow need them again…) and catch the end part of the movie…

“My best friend’s wedding” will never be the same…
There, I ruined one of my favorite movies…
Julia Roberts is so beautiful in this one too and Cameron Diaz so young a fresh faced…
And who doesn’t love the music…

My husband texts me for updates…and I send him the pics (come on doesn’t he deserve to be part of this experience…he is saying he can never unsee that and is actually extremely emotional…in a way that I have never seen him before).

The next day he takes off of work as well and drives me to the hospital where they confirm for the first time that the fetus is gone, I am no longer pregnant and everything including the placenta has passed. This is apparently great news…and I did it all on my own and should be very “grateful”…

Now; see it’s like I was never pregnant in the first place…

A follow up with the option of couple’s counseling is scheduled in two weeks…

 

As a parent you…

As a parent;

You have to make sure they survive everyday. Not only live though, but (freakin’) THRIVE…

That they eat (not too little or too much, but just right), and sleep (not too little or too much, but just right) and brush their teeth and their hair. That they are clean and clothed and whole and healthy.

That they get to school on time and are polite and sweet (but no push overs), assertive and well adjusted (whatever that means) and independent, self sufficient (but they also need to learn how to ask for help) and secure, yet they need to listen to authority and follow the rules!

You have to make sure that they are picked up on time (ask about their day-open ended questions…require “detailed” answers, active listening and interest) and are happy and have high self esteems (not shy 😱) yet they need to be aware of others who don’t have as much. They need to be kind and brave, (PC…) as well as, well rounded and educated, AND “street smart”…

You don’t only need to make sure that they eat, (have those lunch and snack boxes ready and correctly packed!) but that they eat the “RIGHT” kind of food (don’t get me started…organic, vitamins, probiotics, supplements, protein shakes…seriously!) and have the right sleep “environment” (beds, comforters, pillows, essential oil diffusers), and the right kind of toothbrush and toothpaste (might change weekly) and hairbrush (!) AND social circles (yes!) friends and toys (educational, developmental, creative etc etc.)

Maybe throw in an “appropriate” pet to learn compassion and responsibility on (which is ultimately all about your compassion and added responsibility-pile it on).

And then there is all the “extra”, the right kind of clothes in the right size and style, and all the homework and obligations (yes, kids now have their own obligations…that are pretty much your obligations).

School requirements, volunteering, holidays, “vacations”, pajama days, crazy hair…and sock day, sport days, class parties, performances…

Then there are all the doctors’ and dental appointments (God forbid they have any special needs or health issues) and don’t get me started on all the after school programs and hobbies and activities (and added equipment and instruments and outfits and uniforms) and “play dates” and birthday parties (their social calendar is busier than any adult’s-good luck if you have more than one kid).

$$$$$

And if you don’t do it ALL…(every single day) can you spell “mom guilt” …

Love it all though 🤪

Easy Peasy! No pressure 😏😅🤯😳❤️

😘 fellow parents doing it ALL and a little more!!

Hot messes, twisted cords and feeding tubes..

My friend, you are a complete mess?

Really can a medical professional talk to you that way? (Maybe he said “hot mess”? No…, okay, I guess only “mess” is left, I’m a mess, what else is new…?)

Not sure what you answer in this situation? “Eh…okaaay” He smiled (actually a nice smile, what a bully) “what I mean is the infection has spread in your body, it probably started in your uterus and then unfortunately spread… but the good news is that you are here and we are treating it and you are doing a lot better!” “So” (I had to ask) “is this a uterus infection or did the doctor leave placenta behind?”

He looks momentarily taken back (is this not a usual question? Like what the H is wrong with me?)

“Well” he says, someone will come and talk to you shortly” …? So not an answer, but again his smile is very nice, very straight teeth, and white, very white…so I try again “what does it mean that the infection has spread…?”

He seems happier about this question even though he doesn’t really answer this either… “The medication is taking care of that and seems to be working well” (what…? Is he an intern?) “Very strong stuff” (the “lingo” doesn’t seem very “medical”) he adds while he swiftly, before I have a chance to stop him, backs out of my room. I want to yell “hey, come back here” but what for really…?

I decide to check in on my bebe by dialing the NICU on the huge grey phone attached to my bed (after dropping it twice, twisting it in with my IV, cords dangling) “We need more milk!” was their simple answer (but didn’t I just pump?) well, but of course, I’ll get right on that! The pure joy over the best invention ever the “hands free pumping bra” has cold down some (what? If you have ever been in my situation, you understand me).

Not as excited to get my huge (milk filled; not trying to sound any type of “sexy” here) boobs into this thing, as it twists the wrong way and the zipper gets stuck multiple times so I have to start all over, and the cones in the holes (again…not sexy..at all…) and all the other pump accessories in the right places in the fastest possible time, only to wait forever and STILL not get the desired amount of milk.

After all the pumping I can manage in one sitting and after about twenty minutes waiting for someone to detach me from my IV (with the promise of being back in an hour for the next dose of super antibiotics) and throwing on some pants (I’m still fat and swollen and my big feet can barely fit in the skinny leg openings-be very thankful though, that I am wearing them, no more flashing my bottom to unfortunate people!)

I feel lightheaded again and my throat hurts…and my ears. As I pass the nurses station to get my milk from their fridge, I stop to tell them that someone was supposed to come see me and explain my infection (two nurses give me clueless stares and blank expressions) so I “put the order in” for a doctor to come see me, emphasizing the sore throat, ears and headache.

Down in the NICU I proudly hand over my milk that they had requested but it turns out the nurses there are not as excited.

Instead they seem concerned, not only is baby’s jaundice worse instead of better, she hasn’t been enjoying the outcome of all my hard work at the pump. Apparently little miss has not been eating quite as well as before-not well at all it seems, she has been losing weight instead of gaining (now hovering just over 4 lbs…) and now they want to feed her through a feeding tube…
 

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