My mom just booked the next flight from Sweden to come help out, (did I luck out in the “having the best mom department” or what?). I can’t believe she is actually coming and that she is landing tonight. Dad confirmed that she got on the plane okay and I’m telling my husband that he has to pick her up around midnight. I get all weepy and emotional thinking about it, every girl needs their mom at a time like this. My husband had to take the day off of work yesterday to take care of our son and today is Saturday and they are both coming to visit me. Since I spend every single moment with my son usually, I already miss him like crazy. I’m still feeling nauseas from the medicine and sort of weak and shaky. A doctor I don’t know came by my room this morning, explaining that there would be a different doctor coming by to see me every day. I didn’t really get any answers out of him either but he did say that if it was up to him he would try everything to keep the baby in until 36 weeks (which obviously worried me; what if she wasn’t going to be okay at 34 weeks when they recommended me to get induced). He backtracked as I told him that the high risk doctor (as well as my own doctor) had recommended 34 weeks, saying that was probably a good plan and that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to keep her in that long anyways. This annoys me; first of all do they really think it’s up to me? like I can literally cross my legs; this is so beyond my control. Second of all, I think that they are wrong, everybody who knows me knows I’m extremely stubborn, even though this is obviously not something I can control, I will do my very best. I will do everything and anything to keep this baby girl in as long as humanly possible. I’m still not allowed to eat anything and even if I have the IV in, I’m starving. I am also not allowed to shower and even though I have only been here two days, I am dying for some food (I’m pregnant after all), a long hot shower and some fresh air. How in the world am I going to make four or more weeks here? I’m still in disbelief.
My son cries when he sees me and it really breaks my heart, he is telling his dad very matter of fact that “mamma” is sick. He seems scared and I hate to make him scared. I’m telling him that I am not sick but he doesn’t seem convinced. I just want to hug and kiss him and I never want him to leave. As the nurse comes in to take my vitals and ask her very intimate questions, I know it’s time though. Our two and a half year old has one of his mini tantrums as his dad is trying to pick him up and leave. He throws himself on the floor wailing, screaming that mom has to come with and go in the car NOW!! Oh, I so wish that I could. It makes me so sad to see them leave but I hang on to the idea that they will be back tomorrow and they will bring my mom!
My dear friend stops by the hospital which really cheers me up, she is bringing healthy snacks, oils and lotions as well as the “I can’t live without” dry shampoo (yes!). I love just seeing her and talking about something other than hospital stuff and worries for a while. She is telling me that it’s raining outside which make me want to get dressed and just leave the hospital with her since I love when it’s raining (which never seem to happen here and now I’m missing it). Talking to my friend does feel like I’m missing out. What happened to my life? I’m stuck here but as I take a deep breath I know that I have to do this and that I’m doing it for our daughter. She will be okay, she just has to be, and there is absolutely no alternative.
On Sunday my mom has landed and has had a good night sleep at my house. It is so weird being stuck at the hospital, not being able to pick her up and take her home to our house. I hate not being in control and I keep thinking about how I left the house (was the pantry a mess, how about my son’s room, were there clothes on the bathroom floor?). I really want my mom to think I’m a good, organized mother and wife and that I have everything under control. I could never live up to the kind of incredible person my mom is though. Unfortunately my mom is sick, thinking it might be the flu. The flu; how is that for bad timing? Of course she can’t come visit now, they are extremely careful about not spreading infection; you have to be completely symptom free for 72 hours if you are going to visit the PSCU. The doctors and nurses have all explained the three big threats that I have to worry about are infection, contraction and the breaking of the rest of the water (and of course bleeding). I’m terrified of these threats since if any of them happen I either go into labor or they have to “force” me into labor and I know my baby is not ready. She is tiny for 30 weeks and her lungs are not developed, the other scary thing is that since the water is so low, they can’t see her clearly on the ultrasound. This makes me worry even more and imagining all sorts of horrific scenarios. I’m getting pretty use to crying right now but I’m choosing to cry over the fact that my mom can’t come see me after having come all this way (I need her) instead of the fact that there might be something wrong with my baby.