I’m so lucky, lucky..

Before the night nurse enters my room to take my vitals (a popular hobby on this floor), I think back on the day I just had, sink my head back into the pillow and try to channel some deep breathing exercises (I learnt multiple ones at my yoga instructor course but still have a hard time mastering even the simplest ones, the poses are easier but empting your head and focusing on your breaths-not so much). After a scare like this you really see things differently and value what you have, realizing how blessed you really are. It was especially difficult to leave my precious baby girl today but I now know just how capable the NICU nurses really are and that they truly spring into action when things turn serious and I also realize just how fast things can turn bad. I looked around at the other moms and dads before leaving there today and felt a kind of kinship. I try to calm my breathing, in, out (in through your nose, out through your mouth, “smell the roses, blow out the candles). I feel so lucky that I was able to keep my daughter in my tummy as long as I could and thankful that I was put on bed rest at the hospital under the constant watch of medical professionals after all. This is the first time since coming to the hospital that fateful Thursday afternoon almost five weeks ago, I feel a sense of calm and clarity. Obviously I keep coming back to this, dwelling over it and turning it over in my mind, but the fact is, maybe the doctors were all right even if they weren’t the best at informing me about what was going on. The fact is whether my water broke or trickled or didn’t break at all my water was low- far too low for the baby and knowing what I know now that I in fact did get an infection maybe they were even right about getting the baby out at 34 weeks. I still feel cheated on the last ten weeks on my pregnancy and I still think “why me?” at times but I more often is amazed at how wonderfully everything turned out and even though I realize the battle is far from over, we are here, my baby is here and we have come so far. It might be ironic that I’m thinking about this laying in a hospital bed (practicing my best Oms but failing miserably because my brain is most definitely turned on) but I kept my baby inside against all odds, gave birth to a beautiful daughter with a healthy birth weight (for her gestational age and larger than all the experts thought) who was breathing after fearful few seconds, who after all had no bigger issues, deficiencies or deformities. Bottom line we both made it out alive even if slightly “broken” but not defeated. Anyone wishing to have their baby early though or thinking that baby’s birth weight is the determining factor in baby’s health and well-being have a few things to learn. Nobody wants a premature baby, it’s a fight and struggle every day and the worry is completely wearing you down. I feel so lucky this moment right now right here even in a hospital bed, because my baby girl is okay- at least for the time being, sleeping peacefully, breathing fine and is being monitored. My husband at home in our lovely house with my big baby, both safe and sound even if a little wild and crazy (not only the little one), I’m feeling better and my mom is here, staying with us, helping us and keeping me sane.

After my family leaves I have time for some dinner (which I barely touch, the tuna sandwich was enough for one day) I pump (getting excited that I get more mLs than last time) and then it’s time for my vitals again. They are taken by an older, Asian nurse who does not seem to speak much English. I saw her earlier and feeling happier than before I try a smile and a nod. Surprisingly she starts telling me that I’m beyond lucky to have a baby girl-or a baby at all for that matter, even if she came too early and has to stay in the NICU (I withhold the Brady scare of today) in broken English. I weigh my words carefully first agreeing that I am in fact very lucky, daring to ask if maybe she couldn’t have children. No, she shakes her head looking forlorn, “my husband told me I wasn’t a good enough wife to deserve any children”…

About jennym

A doctor of psychology and a mother of three writing about the struggles and joys and the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, pregnancies, deliveries and her absolute love for her children in a humoristic yet down to earth weekly blog!

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