non-healing powers…

I’m at my second doctor’s appointment check-up to see if I’m healed yet. The nurse had expressed how glad she is that everything worked out for us and that baby girl could hang on for four weeks and not come out right when I was first admitted (or when my water broke at only 29 weeks pregnant). She then proceeds to tell me that she wasn’t that lucky with her son who was born at 30 weeks gestation, which I remember her telling me at my appointment where everything started, at the appointment I had to tell them about the leaking, where it tested positive for amniotic fluid and where they told me to go straight to the hospital. I remember her words as comforting, encouraging and warm. She had told me not to be scared and that everything would be okay. Warning bells now start to ring as I hear her go on about her 30 week preemie-wait didn’t she say he was born just fine-and wasn’t that the same story that kept me afloat as I thought I would have my own daughter at 30 weeks…

She is yapping away about the absolutely horrifying birth of her son, his complication, his immature lungs, his multiple brain bleeds. Now just wait a minute…, I can’t even process what she is telling me right now. Did she lie before? Did she just omit the truth in a desperate attempt to make me feel better? But why would she even mention it? And why on earth would she now bring it up again…? With a very diffident truth to the story? Doesn’t she remember telling me how lucky SHE had been? I had held on to that story, thinking, hoping and praying that if my draught had to come at 30 weeks she could turn out okay, at least in the long run since the nurse had told me that her son was still fine years later.

I feel for the plump nurse with the ready smile, I really do but honesty is all you can really hold on to when you are in a scary situation and when you worry about something so crucial as your child. She goes on and on about how lucky we were and that it could have been bad if my baby would have been born right away. Correction; she is actually telling me, it WOULD have been bad considering how tiny she was on the ultrasound and how “underdeveloped”, before she got both steroid shots and the meds etc. Whoa; I’m not sure she should be telling me this…

I feel uncomfortable and just sad. She goes on telling me that her son’s birth was so traumatic and that he needed so much care, she could never have another child. I have to turn my face away so she will not see my tears welling up. I feel like a pretty lousy human being for thinking that I’m so happy what happened with her son did not happen with my daughter, but I also feel upset about the false hope she gave me before going to the hospital. She basically told me that her son was born fine! I desperately need to get the image of her tiny, sick son out of my mind and the close call for my daughter.

On a lighter note I start rambling about the relief of not having to go pee every five minute because of the baby pressing on the bladder which I knew would have gotten worse in the later weeks of pregnancy. It is kind of a random topic which leads us to potty training my soon to be 3 year old. We both laugh about the fact that we both have to use the bathroom a lot (pregnant or not) and aren’t good companions on longer road trips because of that fact, but then she says, she still has trouble potty training her son. Confused, I thought she said she only had one son and that is was such a long time ago she had him. Even though I clearly don’t want the answer, I hear myself ask “how old is yours son”


Okay, since I’m still not cleared for work outs or…anything “like that” I would say that all in all the second checkup appointment pretty much…sucked! I take a deep breath as I walk out in the California sunshine and try to cherish the fact that our isolation is over, little girl is doing great and mom and I get to go do something.

We know we can go far and the stress of putting baby in a new diaper, outfit, feed her and strap her in the car seat takes its toll. We go to the closest shopping center which luckily both has a “Ross” for some shopping and an “islands” for some eating!  I’m so excited to try out the stroller with the hot pink bassinet for the very first time. It feels like summer outside and my mood is slowly lifting. It’s the perfect temperature, warm but not hot, with a slight breeze, blue skies and a “gentle” sun. Tank top weather with a thin cardigan thrown on in the shade! I smile up at my mom as baby girl is laying done sleeping in her brand new and might I add gorgeous stroller, “let’s go have some fun!!”. And we do, shopping away, baby clothes and some for us with the additional household item thrown in, until…

About jennym

A doctor of psychology and a mother of four writing about the struggles and joys and the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, pregnancies, deliveries and her absolute love for her children in a humoristic yet down to earth weekly blog!

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