So this week we witnessed a huge moment- such monumental milestone! Our princess started walking!!! Slowly and hesitantly at first but now she is already off running.

Our sweet little baby girl has developed something else lately other than walking skills, (more and more of) a personality  (read: attitude). She is quite demanding and I’m not sure we can blame her “being just a baby anymore”. She screams loudly and throws her head back dramatically every time she doesn’t get her way…right away. It usually has to do with food, that or big brother’s toys. Everything we eat, she wants (even if it’s very “adult” food which is hard to explain to a one year old, or the dreaded “chocking hazards”). Let me rephrase that, everything, EVERYONE eats, she wants, (quite a challenge on play dates, the food court at the mall or at restaurants). She also wants all brother’s toys AND her own, that’s right, not much of a sharer yet.

Except when she wants to be! A sharer that is. Oh, then it’s a very “pleasant, getting old very fast” game, where she hands you something and you are supposed to thank her, in a very specific voice or she’ll get upset, and then hand it back to her, over and over and over again!
If big bro actually gives her the toy he was playing with and picks another, she’ll just wants his new toy, over and over, well, you get my point…

This is why it’s hard to have our little sweethearts playing together at the moment. I have to secretly admit, that my perfect, adorable, angel is at times, hmm how do I put this…annoying! Yet, it’s her brother I yell at. Well, you know he is four…and she is one.
And it’s like a switch went off in him saying “you don’t have be gentle, sister is not a fragile little baby anymore”, which might be a little true but she is still a baby and much younger than him and he can’t be rough!

Well, the thing is his roughness is not (only sometimes) mean or aggressive, we are mostly talking hugs and kisses her. Rough hugs and kisses. Running and tackling hugs and kisses. I feel like I yell all the time – NOT a nice feeling. Baby is stealing from him (food and toys-and we need this guy to eat- her not as much), pulling his hair, scratching him, biting him (oh yea, another new fun habit- can’t wait for her to bite other people’s kids!) and poking his eyes. The other day she tried poking the dog’s eye out, poor innocent retriever-she just layed there. Then I had to yell at the baby, which was quite apparent that she didn’t get or learn from (or maybe she understood me perfectly, standing there giggling).

Anther thing she is p*ssed about (sorry no other word would really explain her pretty obvious feeling) is my slowly (or pretty “fastly” actually) disappearing milk supply. She now asks for “nam nam”, which might be a clear sign she is too old for nursing anyways (hold your horses “breastfeeding fanatics! Only kidding!!..sort of) and points to a boob (what did I say, demanding!). She sucks angrily for about a minute, making grunting noises and mad facial expressions. She looks up at me accusingly for a second before she points to the other one. Then we go through the same ritual and straight into screaming, crying and hang on, here comes the biting. She hits me with her little fists, tears in her eyes and I feel quite defeated. What can I do for her? It seems my body has stopped producing milk, taken the decision to continue nursing or stop away from both of us…

I feel like I want to give this to her. It’s our special cozy bonding time. Why would I be in a rush to give it up so fast, she is growing up so quickly anyways…

I’ve tried everything these last couple of weeks from teas, to herbs, to pills to (you heard me) essential oils (rubbing, drinking, swallowing).

She is clearly not ready to give it up, she still wants the comfort and closeness, several times a day (actually she demands it), as well as before naps and “night time”.

Of course I feel like I’m not enough for her and I feel really bad as the tears come but at the same time we made well over the 1 year mark and I’m proud of that. I’m just not sure how to explain to her that mama’s milk is “running out”. She still seems to want and need it as much as ever which naturally makes me sad. There will be plenty of time for me to have my evenings to myself and maybe have date or girls night every once in a while (I’m quite eager to be honest) in the future but sadly this seems to be out of my hands.

As we struggle along worse than ever this week, big brother is taking full advantage of his summer break, camp, play dates and swim lessons…how will my mommy survive it all…?

About jennym

A doctor of psychology and a mother of four writing about the struggles and joys and the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, pregnancies, deliveries and her absolute love for her children in a humoristic yet down to earth weekly blog!

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