Okay, okay this is happening- it is true… yet it can not be…
I’m in complete shock and in utter denial, not because I didn’t want this (of course that would never be the case- ever) but because it is so impossible. I don’t know why I’m surprised really (I mean I did throw up in a porta potty at a wedding…and an airplane bathroom…rental car place and retirement home…) or wait, I do know why I’m surprised! This wasn’t planned and I’m a world class planner (it’s true ask my husband , note pad and my google calendar).
For Pete’s sake, I had wine at my sister’s and lots of it. I had doctors appointments and dental appointment with x-Rays lined up for my Mom’s visit. I’m enjoying sushi, sandwich meats, exotic cheeses, fancy coffee drinks and tons of tea and of course both salmon and tuna. I’m eating fenugreek for increased milk supply (super bad), I have a toddler who just learned how to sleep through the night and then suddenly stopped because of something named hell…I mean “toddler sleep regression” and I literally have my hands full with my two!
I always wanted a third. This is true! I even fantasized about names, room themes, analyzing sibling order and gender preferences. We were three growing up after all (seemed the ideal number for us). Before our daughter we (who am I kidding I) had “planned on” trying a third time if we had another boy only. Really thinking that we would have another boy it seemed like the perfect plan. I know I know, there is no such thing as the “perfect plan”. But with a daughter and everything we went through I was just relieved and happy (satisfied…no really) and blessed beyond measures! By the way, I would have been blessed and happy with another boy of course but I can’t deny the joy over my beloved daughter (that mother/daughter bond is after all something really special…and I am by no means discrediting the “specialness” of the mother/son bond- this is just my story, but I also see and recognize my husband’s incredible bond with our son- not to say that I don’t have a bond with my son.) Anyways, I’m rambling!
After the water breaking prematurely eleven weeks before my daughter was due, the long bed rest, the premature delivery, the breathing difficulties, the blood issues, the infections…I’m just glad that we are all okay! She is a happy, healthy toddler today and I couldn’t be more glad and proud of her and how far we all have come! I am really truly happy and satisfied (really!). The mere thought of doing it all over again and even the thought of something going wrong… And worse this time, it’s just not worth it!
We have everything we could ever want and more. We are (were) so lucky and ready to move on as a family of four! Yet (oh yet!) the seed had been planted years ago (decades ago really) that I always wanted three. I didn’t have twins like my mom (which seemed convenient when I was a kid, mostly because well, she had two at the same time, eliminating another pregnancy and one of each- what a bonus!- but now after having to take care of one newborn at the time, realizing the catastrophic effort it most have been taking care of TWO of them at the same time.)
Talking about the “perfect plan”; after all the “drama” with our daughter, once we had finally gotten into the beautiful phase of real baby hood (after NICU and readjustment at home, having gotten a hang of sleep schedules and breastfeeding…nah, not really), I briefly discussed the idea of having another one with my husband. With our judgment cloudy by the sweetness of our baby and how everything had turned out pretty great in the end we both agreed that: maybe YES! My mom has this theory that with your rose colored glasses after having endured the pain of child birth and on no sleep and the added love hormones and endorphins cursing through your mangled new mommy body (newness each and every time) you always think it’s a good idea to have “another one”- preferably right away!! Because if you can do THIS you can do ANYTHING over and over! She might have a point there! Anyways as the year went on (also as my mom predicted) the desire went away slowly with each illness, nursing struggle and stinky diaper! Not really, because of those… because secretly I see myself as a pretty awesome baby momma! A baby momma ninja really! I got this stage down!!! And I love it (the following stages however…not so much…and they do grow you know… and fast). But starting over? All over? Doing it all over again? The sleep deprivation, the sore nipples, the confused zombie stage, the WORRY, the germs, the fragile vulnerability, the emotions? At my age? Hmm.
When my husband announced while we were working out (almost back to my pre-pregnancy body by the way with added muscles- even wore short shorts the other day-MOI!!!) that he would actually want another one, he did surprise me but he also opened up that achy feeling of maybe just maybe, one more. Aren’t babies amazing after all? And what about my childhood want for three kids when I grew up (my Barbie alter ego always had three!) I love, love babies, their dependency on you, their sweet smell, sweetness, baby rolls, their smiles, their trust, their tiny toes and noses, their cuddles and giggles and FIRSTS! But since I had just been through all of that and still have a BABY after all. We decided to wait until our baby was at least two years old to bring the topic up again (we also have our- my- “advanced” age working against us- but nowadays anything seem possible- and not as much of an obstacle).
I worry too… so much (probably too much) about my kiddos on a daily (minute-ly basis) could I get one more in my mommy heart to worry about?
I also can’t have anything happen to me since I’m a mom to two little ones and it would break my heart if something went wrong again (I’m not sure my psyche could handle that) and what about the logistics of not being able to concentrate on taking care of myself and a new life because two lives already depend on me? Maybe these are all mom’s worries? I mean I worried about my son before my daughter was born.
On the other hand I feel like children are the meaning of life and the ultimate blessings. Creating and carrying new life is miraculous. I just couldn’t help feeling like we would be asking for TOO much wanting another one (Hybris and all that), so we (I) decided to wait- hold off on the planning- that was the plan!
Yes I planned and yes we planned…and
Here we are! Amongst nursing a toddler and taking every precaution, we are still here!
And we seriously couldn’t be happier or more excited!!!