So then it’s back to normal again! Well, yeah, except the extreme nausea (NOT only in the morning), the body aches, cramps, balloon bloating, violent vomiting (all day edition) and zombie fatigue!
So maybe not exactly back to normal but I sure am trying. I feel cranky, anti-social and easily agitated. I know you don’t want to be around me right now because, trust me- I don’t want to be around me either. I don’t even want to BE me…
Oh that’s sounds awful and ungrateful and plain wrong…but the misery…its real. I have never felt this sick- like all the time (my husband keeps reminding me that I have- twice before, I refuse to believe him though, it was never THIS bad).
I also don’t feel like I have “landed” after the shock or should I say
surprise of finding out. It’s like I need more time to “catch up”. Catch up to happy and excited which is, no matter how unfair and ungrateful, somehow a little difficult to do in this fog of “everyday awful” nausea. It’s not like I can lay on a couch and marvel in this wonderful newness and this (less than wonderful) new changing (already) body, I have two kids with schedules, demands and needs (and boy are they demanding- both the schedules and the kiddos).
I try to forgive myself for the funk because all I can really ask of me right now is to get through the day (and to keep everyone alive). I consider it a success if I don’t yell at anyone (too loudly) or get into any heated arguments with a four year old (over the appropriateness of wearing clothes outside of the house, the need to eat or the need to be gentle with his sister), blame my husband for the way I’m feeling (he did tell me that there was “no way” and even though we really wanted this- eventually and are happy now, this just didn’t follow my plan), forget to let the dog back inside (the loud barks and throwing herself at the window usually clues me in) or crying hysterically over little girl’s refusal to sleep at night.
This is my day-to-day but this frustration and “easily irritation mood” is new to me. I’m usually pretty easy going and patient- at least with the kids! This is not a welcome addition. It’s a struggle to keep it at bay and as soon as I lash out, I immediately regret it. I don’t recognize myself. All moms get agitated sometimes, I mean I’m no saint but all I’m waiting for now is to feel calm and serene like in my previous pregnancies. Do I just not remember the “difficulties” and the emotional roller coaster rides of the first trimester? Did I just get more “glowy” and calm as time went on? I mean this pregnancy started as a surprise but so did my first. Finding out then- I was so extremely happy and hopeful and excited and I felt “chosen” and beautiful and special. Of course I remember feeling sick but I think I was almost proud of that, announcing to anyone who would listen that I had “been throwing up all over town”. Back then I was working with a nonprofit organization for children with Autism and we took the kids on “outings” around town. I don’t even think I minded the vomiting or fatigue- I saw it as proof that my little guy was in there. I also remember reading that the worse you felt- the better! I soaked that up – feeling even more special. I saved my positive pregnancy tests in a pretty box- this time I threw them at my husband (true story- I’m not proud of that by the way!).
This baby is wanted and already loved don’t get me wrong here please! I just think it hasn’t sunk in yet and I’m ill prepared. I’m also so worried about things that can go wrong. With my daughter we had to try for such a long time, she was extremely wanted, needed, already loved and planned for. This time around, I’m anxious, emotional and if there is one thing I hate- it’s not being prepared.
So I start preparing, physically I don’t feel like even getting out of bed but since I don’t exactly have a choice in the matter, I get up, explain to my son that I’m “okay” while throwing my guts up, brush my teeth and attack the day! I start getting excited about surprising my mom by taking her to the very first ultrasound. I plan and actually feel more like myself again! She has never experienced a “first ultrasound”. This will be fun and special! That first picture- I can’t wait!
I want to tell her I’m going to the my doctor and when we are almost there – what KIND of doctor (don’t want to shock her too much).
Since we have talked about a third child my mom obviously knows about those plans (I tell her everything after all). I had to air all my worry and anticipation over another premature rupture and delivery out with her. After discussing it with my husband I talked the possibility of bringing the subject of another baby up again when my daughter was a little older with my mom. We talked pros and cons, risks and gains, possibilities and responsibilities.
I knew she knew that it was possible but not now, not yet!
But my mother knows me!
The day BEFORE the huge reveal, she asks me to my face what the heck is up with me!? Am I sick, about the get my period…or pregnant?? (hello; impossible!)
What am I suppose to do? Lie to my mom? Of course not! To tell you the truth (and her!) it’s an absolute relief! I feel better and calmer just being able to share the news and my feelings with my best friend. A new anticipation is growing inside me; I can do this!
I couldn’t have kept this from my mom another day anyways. We have a great appointment even if it’s not a surprise. The only thing that rattles me is the doctor’s 25% risk prediction of the water breaking even sooner this time around, all the shoots I need to take with all their side effects and all the genetical testing because of my mature age (ha, nice!). I can’t help worrying BUT one step at the time. We get to see the little blob in there! Moving and shaking!
It’s wonderful and amazing and awesome AND guess what…it’s sinking in- I am in fact pregnant!
I plan for you baby, I long for you, I need you, am beyond excited to meet you and I already love you!