Thanks for catching up with me while I caught up myself. It’s been a whirl wind of emotions and physical and emotional exhaustion but I (we) just made it past the first trimester!
I feel better, (at least my morning sickness ONLY happens in the morning now-and I’m not tired ALL the time), excitement is creeping in and I’m less annoyed, irritated and frustrated (I said LESS) and have more energy to spend with my kids. I can be (at least from time to time) the laughing, singing, dancing, playing FUN mama again!
Only a few weeks ago, it felt like the fog of nausea, uncertainty (can I do this?), frustration and fatigue would never lift. Sure I went about my (our) day, always doing what I was supposed to (except cook- lots of take-out meals going on) what was expected, dropping off and picking up, changing diapers and wiping butts, cleaning up and doing laundry, reading books and kissing goodnight! In the midst of it all I’m teaching a brand new class with its new set of challenges. It’s hard to take care of two spunky kids, a dog, a part time job and a household when feeling like this-trust me. I’m not complaining- no not really but I am stating that ALL the mom stuff is not easy or joyous ALL the time. There is a lot of musts and sometimes you can get lost in the process. YOU as a person -not only a mom and it’s like I feel that MORE going through this a third time- there is almost no more room for just ME the person, to just breath and be…well ME.
I love my kids beyond belief, but they are very demanding. Sometimes it’s a good thing because it’s gives me less time to think and focus on the less glamorous parts of expecting and worrying but sometimes that time is needed. The me-time as a mom-to-be to think of yourself, your changing body and to dream and fantasize about that little baby to be (worries and all) is so important but sometimes feels like a luxury reserved for first time mommies only.
With the increasing number of doctor appointments and the realization that we in fact will have to make room for another family member in our hearts and lives-forces me to understand that it is important for this mom-to-be (third time or not) to find me-time and time to breathe!
The turning point was probably when I tried to take both kids out on a bunch of musts that couldn’t have been fun for them-especially since this mama probably didn’t make it very fun…
There was the bank and the post office, Steinmart to get a dress that would fit for an upcoming party and lastly Target for some baby gifts for a friend who had just welcomed her fourth (!) and winter clothes for the holidays in colder weather as well as a bunch of boring household/cleaning items.
I overdid it…a lot …with two whiny, tired play-deprived kids in tow.
First up bank (incredibly boring), then the post office where little man couldn’t play with the toy train (major drama. “Why mama, whyyy?”, next up was Steinmart. I think I leave that story for another time… Can you say “toddler tantrum”?!
I certainly didn’t eat or rest enough even if my kids got frequent snack breaks. Target is good for that- not so much if you are a mom though… (I promised I paid for each and every item). No one was in a good mood.
When we got home (after violently throwing up everything I did eat) I got a text from darling husband saying he wouldn’t be home until after 8 and bedtime.
We are up in baby girl’s room sorting through clothes and the baby gifts we got. Big brother is tearing off tags (and I’m sure he just wants to help) and I tell him to stop because we don’t know if we are keeping them. “Why?” Oh isn’t that the new favorite word in his vocabulary! (I wonder how many times a day I hear that). I do try to explain that if items do not have tags on them-they cannot be returned and gifts need tags on them so people know you bought them brand new for them. “But why mama, WHY?” I (why?) recently told my son that “I don’t know” is not a good answer and that he should always try to think and then answer the question before just answering with an “I don’t know”…
Man have I had to eat my words since then…
I try desperately not to answer any of his whys with “I don’t knows” but sometimes it’s difficult to know why “that man is doing this or that” or “what the girl is thinking” or why someone’s hair is brown” or “car is green” and don’t think I haven’t answered in the most clever ways possible thinking of great “learning moments” in stories of “that man rushing home to see his family” or the “girl thinking about her little sister”, “brown is a beautiful hair color on her because she got that hair color from her mother” and “green is the car owners favorite color since he got his very first green toy car from his dad” But the whys never stop, they are seriously never ending. And sometimes the question don’t have answers or I simply DO NOT KNOW! (Especially about weird insects or dinosaurs …or body functions). So let me say it again; it’s difficult to not snap “I don’t know” as an answer.
Anyways, this night I do just snap “just don’t rip the tags off okay!!” (Dang hormones…can’t I blame them?…just a little)
“But why mama, whyyy?”
“Because I said so, that is WHY”
Oh gosh did I just utter those words (shutter)
“I don’t KNOW” yelling now (what a great mom- superior really).
I turn around to finish folding little sisters clothes as I hear another rip…
Yep, the boy has ripped the tag off of all the baby gifts we just bought…
I flip…I mean am I wrong here? The boy infuriates me sometimes. He is not even sorry as he grins. “You said “I don’t know” and that is NEVER a good answer”. I drag him to his room after putting little girl in her crib. “I told you NOT to do that”…
Great, just great- now they are both crying! And so am I!
As I pick baby girl up I stand between their rooms trying to steady my breathing. I just got mad at a 4 year old for ripping some silly tags…and I guess throwing my own words back in my face. Yay me! It’s been a really long day.
After I calm down? I go get my inquistitive “boundary testing” little boy- who can stay mad at that one for very long anyways?!- and go about our night and then bedtime routine- up first something to eat!
As we go in the kitchen, my son looks at me with a serious expression “mama, when are you going to stop acting CRAZY?”
Yes indeed…do I laugh or do I cry?
Like I said, second trimester, I welcome thee!