IT?? Did I really hear that right? We just had a long discussion clarifying that I DON’T want to know, right!?
I lay there eyes closed thinking to myself did she just tell me…? Does it mean IT or…?
She answers that there was a “close up of the genital area” just that.
As they give me the shot I’m still confused. Did she disclose what I’m having? Did I just find out the gender of our baby? She couldn’t have- we just talked about us not wanting to find out…but what else could that have meant? – why would I have had to close my eyes when I can’t even distinguish between the birth canal and the baby’s arm…? Maybe she was just giving me way too much credit? And it? Well maybe I would have spotted that… But if it was nothing there?
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have known what I was even looking at. beung my third journey, maybe she thought I was now some sort of expert!? (How very wrong in that case).
We decide that dear husband has to be there for the next shot to learn how to give me them (I don’t know who is more nervous, him or me…wait I do, he is!). I can’t even think about the shot, the king needle and all the side effects right now, all I know is it did sting!
And we leave it at that.
As I walk towards the hospital parking garage and my car I immediately dial hubby. As I am baffled by the ultrasound “confession” and as I do want to emphasize and analyze what happened I am very animated (I tend to be very animated and detailed with my husband-since he is the direct opposite…lets just say he needs me to emphasize things and he needs me for that bit of added drama in his life… Who am I kidding, although true, I’m quite animated with all my close friends and family but that is just me…take it or leave it AND it means I have emotions, I’m not fake and I CARE!) So anyways, I tell him (more like “yell him”) what happened. Yes I’m loud-as I tend to get while excited, mad or riled up! I walk fast and talk fast telling him how “it” MUST be…right? and doesn’t he think so and did she accidently tell me and do we know now? What do YOZu think? (Without catching my breath here) How STUPID does she think I am, I mean really? How stupid?? And how stupid is she…?? And on and on..
Unfortunately I use stupid A LOT. It’s like once I start I get really into it and there is no stopping me. I mean, it’s not that big of a deal REALLY. This was just my PLAN, and I might have felt like if I could control this little part of it well…at least I could control that part…and that felt good.
I had hoped all along that IF I was lucky enough to already have one one of each and IF we would have a third- we wouldn’t find out and it would be a wonderful surprise (this plan has already proven more difficult than “planned”.
As mentioned before; with all the previous worries this was something I wanted…
Now it was- might be ruined! Or not-I just wasn’t sure, but it felt good to yell, to exaggerate, to vent- to let it all out. Even if I called the poor woman stupid, I didn’t mean it-not really. She had been nothing but nice to me and actually seemed very sweet and capable. I felt good about seeing her through my pregnancy. This phone call had in fact very little to do with her but once I got the ball rolling blaming her, I couldn’t stop myself, not take it back and not downplay the fact that she had told me to close my eyes so I wouldn’t see “it”. She did say it (IT) but to be honest I wasn’t as sure as I told my husband of her stupidity…
As I walk across the bridge exclaiming how dumb it was in fact to even tell me to close my eyes this early on, I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell what was what even on the black and white unfocused screen, and into the parking structure, I turn around…
And there walking RIGHT behind me…
“miss Stupid” of course!
There she is, my “stupid” physician assistant who will see me biweekly and then weekly through out my pregnancy AND who will help deliver my baby…
Who feels utterly stupid now?!