I’m left with the nurse for the third time, she is being very nice but it’s really difficult for me to internalize what she is saying right now.
Less than two hours ago I was blissfully unaware that something was wrong and I thought I was just going to one of my regular doctor’s appointments.
The little trickle that I felt honestly hadn’t worried me that much and as I kissed my two year old goodbye I had no idea that I wouldn’t spend the next 4 weeks with him by my side pretty much all day every day like I’m used to.
The nice nurse was telling me that her son was delivered prematurely at 34 weeks and that he was fine and only had to stay at the neonatal intensive care unit for about 5 weeks (eh hmm okay). She also told me however that I needed a steroid shot immediately (as in right there, right then in the office) and that that shot would help my baby’s lungs develop.
I felt overwhelmed and even if they warned me that the shot would hurt, it was over two minutes later and I hadn’t even felt it (this upper thigh shot was really a shot in the butt, let’s be honest).
While I’m getting dressed I frantically try calling my husband who (of course adding to the stress) doesn’t answer. The nurse asks me if I want her to call a cab and asks if I have a plan (eh..no). She continues to explain what will happen at the hospital ones I arrive (I wish I would have listened better). She tells me that they will admit me to the hospital right away and that I will at least have to stay the night if not longer and that they will give me an IV with medicine that will get me very sick (great). I thought I could hear her talking about vomiting and diarrhea (nice) through the fog I was in while I continued dialing my husband like a maniac.
I tell the nurse that I am fine to drive (really) and she lets me go with a hug (which again scares me, why would she hug me if this wasn’t a big deal?). As I sprint to the car, I text both my mother in law and my sister in law since my husband still refuses to answer his cell phone.
My sister in law had told me that I could call her if anything were to happen and if I couldn’t reach my husband right away (probably meaning if I went in to labor way closer to my due date). I had told my husband that he couldn’t travel for work the last month of my pregnancy and he had just planned 2-3 more weeks of traveling out of state before promising to stay home for the next two months. I mean, we were thinking that we had at least 9 more weeks before my planned C-section.
Instead of going straight to the hospital like I had promised I drive home while my sister in law promises to leave right away to come relieve the nanny and take care of my son (she is totally amazing and the only one who even answered my hysterical cry for help). I call my mom with tears in my eyes telling her that the worst scenario that we had talked about had probably just happened: the trickle was most likely amniotic fluid and I have to go to the hospital’s labor and delivery unit.
At home I quickly pack an overnight bag (hoping that that is all I need). I ask the worried and confused nanny to call me a cab (not sure if I can drive myself in my state and not sure where to park ones at the hospital- short or long term).
I steal myself to explain to my two and half year old sleepy son (who just woke up from a short nap) that I will have to leave him with his aunt and that I am not even sure when I’m coming back.
Only then my phone call to my husband’s cell gets answered but not by my husband…I’m ready to start screaming in the phone….
My husband’s business partner sure gets a big shock when he answers the phone to a frantic me, yelling about water breaking, soft cervixes and 1 centimeter dilations. He rushes to find my husband as I try to remain calm.
I sit down on my couch trying to channel my yoga training and breathe some cleansing breaths as my giant blond golden retriever puts her head in my lap. She looks at me with her big brown eyes and sighs- as if she knows.
My husband sounds so surprised that something is wrong, “but it’s way too early” (duh, I think we covered that) but promises to come home straight away. I’m telling him not to go straight to the hospital since I want him to be there for our son and since I’m wishfully thinking that the hospital is probably just a precaution and that I will be home later on once they figure out that nothing is wrong (major state of denial).
The nanny manages to call a cab as she hands me my son who is heartbreakingly happy to see me. He is extra clingy so I just sit with him and my extra-large dog both on my lap and I try not to let the fear grab a hold of me. While my son is clinging to me, I’m clinging to my denial.
I know that this baby inside me is on her way to become a “real” baby that will undoubtedly capture my heart much like my son has and that I will worry every single minute of every single day that something bad might happen. I know this is unavoidable but I am not ready yet; this cannot happen now; she is not even fully cooked yet. “Dear God, do not let her come yet, we are not ready, please let everything be okay” I mumble while I smell my son’s white blond hair and pet my anxious dog. My son may not always smell good (think dirty diapers and stinky feet) but his hair always, always does (even if his sometimes neglectful mother does not give him a bath every day).
I try not to cry as his little hand reaches up to touch my cheek and just rests there. My son is always busy, always active so these encounters are rare. I hug his little skinny body tight as I tell him that mommy will be back soon but auntie will come by to see him. As his eyes fill with tears (I know exactly how he feels) and he shakes his head screaming “no” (his favorite word), he just spent more than 3 hours with his nanny and he just wants his mom (he is a kid who really loves his normal routine).
I’m so thankful that my sister in law is coming and that my husband (finally) is on his way as well.
Okay, deep breaths, the cab is almost here.