When everything changes…

I will never forget that doctors’ appointment as long as I live…

Afterwards I analyze every single moment, especially the moment when it turns from a “casual” follow up appointment with a specialist, to something very serious…

I remember the doctor’s facial expressions, his nice smiley face turning grim and somber. I remember just how the light, from the sun outside hits the ceiling, creating prismas of colors in the hospital room (is it getting smaller in here?). The smells, the sounds in a distance…

I remember the words that come out of the doctor’s mouth, how he says them in a way as to NOT scare us, but it is WHAT the words mean that DO…and how they carry fear and severity of a whole other level.

This is where I tune out the outside world (including my own kids whining and screaming) and how his words don’t seem real, like he is talking to someone else, about someone else.

That sounds selfish, but at that moment I can’t quite comprehend that he is talking about MY son.

The feeling of confusion is overwhelming and it’s overpowering me…

I look around at my little kids, these kids that we created and who solely depend on us to keep them safe, happy and yes healthy…

I’m in a hazed state of not comprehending what I am being told.

After the appointment I had told my husband to meet us outside of the doctor’s office. He still doesn’t know, poor man, I am even tempted to not tell him. I just want so desperately for things to be normal, STAY normal…

I hate seeing my husband’s reaction. His utter shock and anguish. He loves this kid more than anything, his firstborn, his boy, his little clone.

He loves all his kids of course, but there is something special about your firstborn, and this father and son have always had this incredible bond.

I don’t want to see the father of my kids sad, or upset, or worried. I don’t want to worry him like how I am worrying right now, probably more than I have in my entire life (and trust me, I’m a worrier).

I don’t want to ruin his day (his week, his month, his year…his…)

But, I had to tell him and we have to face this…

I clung to the doctor’s last words to me as the nurse gave my kiddos some more stickers, before we left the office: “this is bad but even if we don’t know exactly how bad yet, it is NOT the worst” …

NOT the worst, NOT the worst, NOT the worst…

How do people do this?

Seriously how do people do this, when its kids, and when it’s bad…?

How do parents do this? And how do they do this when it is the worst?

I remind myself that it is not “the worst” and since it is not the worst, I can do this! We can do this! We can do this as a family and we will!!!

Then we go to dinner at the most family friendly restaurant in the area (because we all have to eat, and kids have no idea, and life goes on etc etc.).

We are forced to get out of our minds and thoughts, time and time again to face the chaos that is a baby, a toddler, a preschooler and a 7 year old-who has no idea what he is about to face.

We eat, we spill, we apologize to people left and right about our messy, loud kids and we yell ourselves to be overheard, just to tell the kids to be quiet.

We even smile here and there…

And then we all have the promised ice cream…together as a family!

About jennym

A doctor of psychology and a mother of four writing about the struggles and joys and the ups and downs of motherhood, marriage, pregnancies, deliveries and her absolute love for her children in a humoristic yet down to earth weekly blog!

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