Lumber jacks,being outnumbered and best comment after pushing a human being out of your body..

imageimageSirens are wailing and I don’t know if I should start panicking or what? I’m pretty drowsy after you know a “little bit of childbirth” (besides, I’m starving) and the nurse looks around at the big guy who is maneuvering the enormous bed towards the elevator. He is actually laughing asking her “what, are you new here?”‘ I don’t get it? What in the world is he smirking about? What kind of alarm is that?

The nurse looks so ashamed as she quickly types something on a stationary computer near the delivery wing’s exit doors at the same time as she hurriedly whispers something in her walkie talkie phone. We back up, me and my brand new son get wheeled backwards through the exit door again in the giant bed. I don’t get it until I overhear her apologizing about it. Each newborn gets an alarm around their ankle (their very own ankle bracelet…not very fashionable by the way). My nurse has totally forgotten to disarm the “low jack” (not the lumber jack which I later call it, creating some confusion with my husband.)

We have a long night ahead. Baby is unusually “aware” for just being born, already refusing to sleep alone and crying a lot…
I couldn’t have made it without the nicest nurse (opposite from the old nag who I get the next day-trying to tell a mother of three -that’s right!-what to do with her baby)
This one lets me go to bathroom (because I really have to go and my catheter is out) even though my epidural hasn’t worn off completely yet (I swear I can feel everything-this is a piece of cake…) She half carries me to the toilet even if I insist I can walk. Then she lets me sit there for an hour (honestly) because the thought of my acid urine coming anywhere close too…well you get the point…terrifies me! She even gives my tiny boy a bath while I sit there squirting warm water with a plastic water bottle in my neather regions to make me pee “comfortably”.

The next day the two siblings can’t quite contain their excitement as they come tumbling into the hospital room. Their daddy tries and mostly fails to keep an eye on them as they both want to hold THEIR baby NOW! Big sister keeps screaming MINE. Grandma is there to help me keep them from pushing buttons, not sitting on me (ouch) or grabbing their quite defenseless little brother from his plastic see through crib (he won’t have it easy with these two as siblings).

We take tons of pictures (I look pretty darn awful in most-if not all of them) and the proud big brother (“mama, I tooold you it was a boy in there”) and the curly haired big sister with the huge innocent blue eyes (let me tell you:not so innocent that one) get plenty of cuddle time with our new addition!
When the newness wear off, it’s back to stealing my hospital food (I finally got some!), pushing buttons, trying to sit on me (not my lap!!!!) and the very funny curtains by the door (let’s see how fast we can open a shut them by running like maniacs!).
It’s about that time-goodbye time (now if they could only bring the baby too so mommy could get some sleep! Ha ha:kidding!!, sort off…eh…)
As they leave (and I hate to admit I’m relieved to get another night of alone time and care to recover some more- but I realize that it’s also good to have time to allow myself to get excited about starting life as a family of five- mommy being very outnumbered- TOMORROW!!!)
My big boy exclaims “eh, mama, if the baby is out, how come you are still FAT?
Best comment after pushing a human being out of your body-EVER!!

I forgot how much you bleed and how much having stitches hurt, how little you can do (lifting stroller out of car, carrying car seat, lifting toddler-sitting on a chair: all definite no nos) and how big the freaking pads have to be in your sexy see through mesh hospital “underpants”. The celebrity that recently said “I had no idea you have to leave the hospital in diapers just like your baby” (or something like that) was spot on – didn’t mean to be funny there-because none of this is fun really except of course the “getting to take home a real human baby as a price for your efforts” so that’s pretty worth it and you need to see it that way, and remember that, otherwise it’s easy to get extremely emotional (you will anyways-totally unavoidable btw) and a little swept away by the total messiness that is blood and mucus and clots (“as long as they are smaller than golf balls-trust us, you are completely fine- totally normal!”) and regurgitated sour milk and blow out yellow seedy poop and you know cracked, bleeding and sore nipples, leaking boobs (that if brushed against something like any piece of clothing for example will make you suicidal… As well as homicidal should someone come near you) and the fact that you cannot pee without crying…

I’m not sure I would have survived without my own mommy! She literally does everything and more!
She cooks and cleans and organizes and decorates and washes and soothes and wipes and …well you get it. She takes care of our house, and our dog and our kids AND me!

Baby boy is now already 4 weeks old, it’s insane- these weeks have flown by. The more kids you have, the faster they grow I guess because a month seems like days. So far he is a pretty easy going little guy, sweet and good natured (not at all like the other two) he has however inherited his siblings’ intensity and lack of patience, if he wants something, he wants it RIGHT AWAY! (That “something” is usually food!! Meaning ME)…
I know that the “honeymoon phase” with baby has also worn off,  and not sleeping at night is getting old (really old, I’m too old for this dang it)! It’s not as charming to be feeding this little (very lovable during the day) creature every single hour during the night and watch him sleep like a good little boy during the day (sometimes for hours at the time). My littlest one sure turns from human baby…to something else entirely during the night (I won’t get into how frustrated I can get but don’t worry he still gets plenty of attention, kisses and yes MILK-seriosly: don’t you worry) but somehow I manage to still keep him close and full-despite the three hour cry attacks at 2:14 am where nothing helps (not even food-gasp!)

At the end of mom’s stay I’m squeezing in a haircut (beyond necessary) and a much needed girls’ brunch! I’m so grateful to my mom I can’t describe it with words and now she is leaving in a week…however will I handle my life…?

 

 

Not having the “bestest” day here…

So, I had kind of a crappy Friday-you know the kind of day where everything is going wrong, and by everything, I mean absolutely everything. It’s all relative I know and these were all minor things but since my mood didn’t work in my favor (with my monthly friend coming for a visit any day) it was all “hello temper and hi there tears…”

It’s started bright and early (not when I want to start the day by the way) with my babies fighting, me yelling, them laughing and then of course as predicted someone crying (besides me).

I could feel how high my frustration was and any attempt to tame my hormonal ups and downs didn’t seem to work this particular day. Even our dog didn’t behave (poor dog… well she did chew up a beloved dinosaur as well as threw up in the guest room). I got chewed out (now I know how the defenseless dinosaur must have felt) by everyone from my 4 year old to perfect strangers. The summer hired teenager at our pool and racquet club gave me attitude saying we couldn’t put the cost of ice cream on our membership tab and that we had to pay for guests despite our guest passes-that apparently needed to be updated (and a lot of other headaches including more paperwork, fees and the registration of our baby’s birth documented in order to get added to our membership…wait what??) and then she was hesitant to give her name to me (well, yeah), “why do you need to know?” was her exact response (heavens!)

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When we went to return an item at the store (since I can no longer try ANYTHING on with these kids in tow and have been physically banned from most fitting rooms around town- long story, I have to buy and try on everything at home- hence all the returns). I was stressing (in hindsight I shouldn’t have stopped by the mall) because I had an appointment at my old school. We barely had time for a snack before I needed to rush both kids across town to sign the paperwork which means I’m officially a University professor (hep!) and get the books for my classes. My little boy wants subway, there is a line, naturally the guy helping us questions every “instruction” I give him, “yes, just cheese” “JUST cheese”, “plain, yes, yep”, “that’s right no meat”, “correct no veggies”, “yes I’m sure he does not want it toasted”, “positive”…
And when what does my son do, eats it which results in applause and a little mommy “happy dance”. But then…

He throws it all up, over his newly showered (after the pool) body and clean dinosaur shirt as well as my purse (Louis) and skirt! Perfect!!! Of course we have absolutely no time to go home and change before my appointment. We barely make it to the restroom (for a quick clean up), we still smell and we are late.

Baby is screaming her head off for milk I don’t have and refuses to go in her stroller while my boy wants another sandwich…well you get the picture… (If not you are either incredibly lucky or very very childless).

There is absolutely zero parking by the school (per usual) and when we finally get a spot we have to hike up a hill and an additional five blocks to reach it. With baby in the carrier (not a happy camper, trying desperately to pull my shirt down as I’m walking, and sweating…did anyone say cardio?) and a curious 4-year old in hand pretending he is a dinosaur (noises and all-they were apparently VERY loud, at least this particularly one).

You are not going to believe this; when we finally arrive (only a few minutes late I might add), the person I’m supposed to be meeting with is in another meeting. A meeting as in “the whole University’s staff meeting”. They are in a big conference room, we can see them through the glass doors. The guy at the front desk confuses me with a student (nothing wrong with that since I was one only a few years ago) but he is insisting that I pay for the books as I’m insisting I’m the professor trying to check the books out.

When he finally “believes” me (hey, do I not look like a University professor?!?) we are on to the next issue of it being 3:45 and I have two hungry and aggressive kiddo’s with me in the very small waiting room. Nop, nothing he can do sometimes these meetings go on forever…

After I clarify that my meeting was at 3:30 (and I have e-mails to prove it) he clarified that they close at exactly 4:00 pm and then they need everybody out!

We step outside, mainly so I can breathe and call my husband “where ARE you?” These kids need to not be with me right now (the feeling is mutual, I promise) and we are all in a bad mood as well as in a bad need of a shower/bath. Just as I’m starting to loose hope, my husband shows! Man, am I lucky to see him! But before he takes the baby she has time to (in a rebellious protesting move) squirt the entire content of a baby food pouch out all over the front side of my shirt (what a nice compliment to my vomit stained skirt).

I feel slightly “naked” and suddenly vulnerable without the baby carrier and my two kids. I run to the restroom to at least get some paper towels before I turn to run back into the school waiting room…

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