No more perfect destination…

 

Only a couple of days before the safety of the second trimester I’m rushed to the hospital, it’s also the day that we are supposed to go on our vacation (bags packed, dog at grandma and grandpa’s).

At my last ultrasound they discovered-not only the lack of a heartbeat but-several centimeters of blood in my uterus. It’s an internal hemorrhage.

This could have been a disaster if I had gone on the trip apparently…
Think bleeding out on a plane unable to land, or anything happening on a location where the healthcare wouldn’t have been like it is here..

I spent the night in the ER. The nurses and doctor are extremely nice. The eerie thing is that the fetus is still there (whole and there…) but with this much bleeding they can’t send me home until morning. They take every precaution necessary and I’m very thankful.

My discharge papers still don’t say that I miscarried. I stare at the “pregnancy weeks” on the release notes. The diagnosis is internal bleeding/uterus hemorrhage.

I talk to my Obgyn specialty doctor, who is amazing, from my ER bed. She shares that she herself suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks that shook her so much she won’t consider going through pregnancy again (she has a healthy daughter). She describes her experience in detail and tells me what I can expect (even if every case and woman are different). I’m beyond grateful that she is so open and honest (brutally so…this WILL suck!).

I will loose this baby-because that is the “BEST” case scenario…

Since there is no longer a heartbeat, she most have stopped growing along the way (even if this started as a normal pregnancy…as the others…with no signs…no bleeding…nothing “abnormal” at all).
She says to come in on Monday and if nothing happened before then to schedule the surgery…to remove the fetus (my baby who I now have to think about as just one of nature’s mistakes and hope that my body will take care if it naturally…).

I’m a very level headed, logical and grounded person and I must admit I can understand the whole “logical reasoning” that “it’s not a baby yet”, “it’s for the best”, “it’s natural for nature to get rid of the unhealthy” but somehow it’s extremely difficult to wrap your head around all of that so far along when you were so excited about the actual real live baby ahead…

My insides are playing Darwinism at its finest…this one is damaged and won’t survive…

It seems cruel…

So the waiting game begins..

Might I point out that I could have been at a white sandy beach right now…sipping a pina colada (fine; virgin colada…wrestling three kids in the white sand…)

I know I’m lucky though, even if I planned and hoped and dreamed and thought I reached the safety zone-I’m not THAT far along…

I’m so much luckier than many others, I’ve yet to have a noticeable baby bump (even though the bump IS already there and WE can totally already tell…) or felt our baby girl kick yet…

The day before my appointment to schedule my surgery it happens and after googling AND talking in depth with my doctor, I’m prepared!

Or sort of…can you ever be prepared for something like this?

 

The “safe zone” of pregnancy…

It’s a girl…or was a girl I guess…

They think she just stopped growing. But she was there, actually she still is there-everything that is “supposed” to be there is there- I have the picture as “proof”. The grainy baby shaped white “blob” against the black background. She looked just like the other ones. Just like the other “pictures” I saved (to some day make the kids each a baby book-like the one for my firstborn…).

Everything was perfect…but then it wasn’t. All the tests show positive right away (the pink plus signs, the two parallel lines, the word “yes” and the actual word “pregnant”) with the first drop… and continue to do so…even after…

There were no tell tale signs or bleeding and everything looked completely normal…until it didn’t.

I just never expected this…everything started like it did with my other beautiful healthy children. I have lost pregnancies before-when we were trying and then succeed…but then I ended up with a heavy bleed… but I have never been to a doctor’s appointment before where the baby had no heartbeat.

How could it be fine and all there and progressing and then not?

How could you go weeks and weeks expecting, hoping, planning- happy, excited, involved. And then the nothingness…

Lots of women go through this everyday-most before the “safe zone” of 12 weeks (1 in 4 they say), but many even further along, and then there are the few who have to suffer through the unimaginable devastation of stillborns and infant loss.

We went weeks, months actually still hoping, praying for a detectable heartbeat and growth-it was there-and then it wasn’t…

We planned room arrangements, a new car, we found out the gender…

Perhaps everything was planned prematurely but we were so close to the safety zone…

I ordered a “gender reveal” princess cake…
A cake we never picked up…

I had lots of hopes and dreams for this child…a child that will now never be…

You can argue that it was still a fetus, that there had been signs (for example there was no severe nausea in the first trimester like with the others). That there was no “baby” yet. That nature got rid of a “defected” fetus…

But try telling a pregnant momma that-a momma who has known about the pregnancy from week 5…

Then the bleeding started…so close to the second trimester and the safe week. The doctor even said light bleeding does not necessarily mean…

But I knew…

But hope is a funny thing…

I had borrowed a heart monitor from a friend…it was pink and promised that you should be able to hear your baby’s heartbeat from week 10 (but you could try from week 8). I felt pathetic trying to locate my baby girl’s heart on my own-when professionals hadn’t been able to at our last appointment…

The dread when you feel the ultrasound technician’s fear, worry and sympathy is excruciating. I like being prepared, and even though you can never prepare for something like this, I was in complete and utter shock and disbelief.

Anything but that…I just wasn’t expecting it – at all…

We were supposed to go on vacation. We had been excitingly packing…now this.

My doctor said not to loose hope-that it was still “50/50”. We planned to still go on the tropical “all inclusive” vacation. We needed it. I needed it.

We hadn’t told the kids yet (but I think our oldest might have been suspicious). We were going to tell them that weekend…before this happened.

There was no blood the day before our trip, we hadn’t told anybody…

A baby for Halloween THIS year. A baby coming with us home for Christmas-everyone who knew were excited…

I told my hairdresser the baby had stopped growing…that there was no heartbeat…

I might be walking around with something dead inside me…

I felt uncomfortable, down, awkward, sick, like a failure…

This is how being in “limbo” feels”.

She encouraged me to go, to get away, to think about something else (even though the thought of “her” were all consuming).

Everybody encouraged us to go…
The white, sandy beaches, the sun, the food the service- it would be good for me-for us.

The kids were excited, they packed their own little backpacks-everything was done and ready to go…

Then my body started to betray me- the beginning of the end of this journey started…

 

An adventurous week: Day 3

Soo since the social security office has picked the very convenient (not) time of 4pm to close everyday (I obviously-dumb of me-assumed it was 5pm or even six like any other business…) and we don’t get out of my son’s school parking lot until 3pm (and naturally 2 kids out of three have to stop to go potty) we don’t make it in time.

This is just great because I have a very limited time to take care of this (seeing as my son is almost one and he doesn’t have a social security number yet…don’t ask me why…also don’t ask me the addition hoops I have to jump through if I don’t get this done before his first birthday…). Annnd, don’t tell me I’ve had ten months to go get one when it wasn’t received right after his birth…just don’t okay!!

I had planned to finally get this done and had planned this specific day for weeks (if not months) because all the paperwork (including baby’s passport) were completed and because the nanny had promised to be there…

Well, it was clearly not going to happen today (either)…

Instead I go to Ross (A brand name clearance place) because like what else would I have done? This store is not in the best area and surprisingly my kids are not the best behaved. My almost three year old has an aisle 7 meltdown about a Barbie (glam and glitter edition…when did she get old enough to care…and how can me she is so girly?!), or was it over some “shopkins” in a pink and purple ice cream truck…and Baby’s diaper leaks (what else is new) all over the new black “Uppa” stroller fabric I special ordered (the color called “Jake” and very difficult to get your hands on) while my 5 year old just wants to go home and eat and “wash his hands” (“not here mama-at home”, maybe not the most unreasonable request).

After a good cry over some too small dresses (what ever should I wear for all the upcoming birthdays and spring events?) I realize defeat and turn towards the register with, instead of dresses, a shopkins truck, a new pair of blue pants size 12 months and some stale chocolate chip cookies on sale-a glowing example of some stellar parenting!

This is when my husband calls to let me know he will be late (as in extremely late because of some workshop…gee, thanks for the heads up!)

The next day we try again!

After school we head straight towards the social security office downtown!

I tell my kids the office is in a bad area of town (I’m not completely lying) just so that they’ll behave. “There might be “bad guys” there and you never know what they can do, especially if you are not holding your mom’s hand at all times”. I tell them they have to be quiet the whole entire time or the police might come and have a talk with them…or worse…!

Good Job momma! -the kids are officially terrified…

Buut, it works (minus the nightmares that follow…that and you know an unhealthy fear of our beautiful downtown, oh well).
They are both holding on to my hands for dear life as we cross the busy street (plus points for mommy!) after we double check that we locked the car (check again mama!) and they are glued to my sides as we pass the security guard at the front office. As we go to the bathroom (but of course, including dirty diaper…) they keep telling each other to be quiet (my son is actually scared his sister will be going to jail).

The great thing is that we get in to see an actual person who is actually helpful, not a minute to soon either since it’s passed their 4pm closing time (luckily we cruised in before they locked the place up) and the guy we talk to shockingly seem (semi) normal.

The kids; especially the three year old, are tired of behaving and she refuses to sit on the chair provided in front of the opened glass (plastic?) window, baby is crying (have you ever notice how hard it is to sit down with a big, squirmy baby-especially one who is crying-in a baby carrier?) and the five year old is venturing out (further and further from me) letting me know that no bad guys or police officers seem to care…

The guy behind the counter is surprisingly cool though and he even goes as far as asking for parenting advice…from MOI…
Apparently he has a 2.5 year old who tantrums (!) a LOT…
Easy there you worry wart 2.5 in my own humble experience is the worst age ever…ever! He’ll get over it (well…)

At last we get out of there with the promise of s number! Now we just have to make it to the car without getting kidnapped or thrown in jail!!

Mission accomplished!! And celebrated with this year’s first family BBQ!!

An Adventurous Week; Day 2

The weird part was that I was thinking about my husband’s car on the way home, how it used to work so great back when we leased it (with all that included service too) but since we bought it keeps breaking down (and obviously now we have to pay “full price” for everything). Just like I somehow had sensed that the little kids were going to get hurt today at the playground (I know, super freaky) I knew what hubby was going to say at 8:30 on a Monday night when I had just finished putting 3 kids to sleep (well in pjs with brushed teeth at least-not the easiest task…well if you are a mom, you know what I am talking about)…

He hadn’t responded to my phone calls or called me back for over an hour so I was clearly already upset when he finally did, as he claimed he had been on the phone with his colleague (who had aaa) and the tow truck (the guy who drove it presumably) on the other line (he had not dodged my calls or tried to worry me…hmm). Guys and doing more things at ones…

He was stuck by the side of the road (little comfort as I now have to finish the nighttime routine on my own AND worry about him and the car).

The tow truck (again, probably the driver) drops him off at the dealership which of course is closed by now (no one there to help him, rent him a car, tell him what to do with his own car or even help call him a cab…or uber) so my brilliant husband has the terrific idea….

He calls ME…

The kids are finally nodding off (both boys are fast asleep…I’m not even going to discuss my 3 year old’s sleeping habits right now)…

“Hey, a taxi will be really expensive and they kicked me out of the dealership…and it’s dark and cold”…

And as I am a VERY good (great) wife, I load up the kids in the car and strap them in (all sleeping now) and head towards downtown (a good 35-40 minutes away…especially with me driving so cautiously with the kids in the car AND my bad eyesight in darkness…don’t worry, it’s not THAT bad…but still).

He didn’t have to worry that I wouldn’t see him, he is the only person in a suit carrying a briefcase on the side of the road of the car dealership!

As we head towards home (finally), the kids snoring away, he calls to confirm with his (business) partner that he can borrow his “extra” car (apparently said partner had gone and bought himself a “mid-life crises car”…fancy, fancy indeed). So now I have to drive to his house so that my darling husband can get the car. The only upside is that I get to see this guy’s new house which I have been mildly curious about (the obvious downside being you know driving around in the dark, as his neighborhood also is a new development without streetlight, with three kids who don’t transfer easily…as in; from their car seats to their beds…nice little nap at 10pm…).

We make it and luckily the boys fall back asleep, our daughter though is up dancing ballet until midnight (no tea and reality tv for this mama).

When I wake up the following day (before 6 am-thanks baby) my eye twitch is back full force. I have been dealing with this annoying eye twitch in my right eye for days now and it is actually more than a little inconvenient (try putting mascara on for example). I break down and actually google it…Annnd, it’s either utter exhaustion (as in unbearable stress and extreme lack of sleep…) or you know cancer…(thanks google).

Today, we tackle the social security office downtown- with three kids of course, because the nanny naturally “can’t make it” …

 

The Year’s First Play Date!!

IMG_4388IMG_4400IMG_4404IMG_4287IMG_4327IMG_4348IMG_4372IMG_4367IMG_4373So the first play date is off to a great start. Read lost shoe(s), wrong colored dress (too cold for a dress, pick your battles?), last minute “I all of a sudden have to poop for a very long long time…can I have the iPad” and yet another nursing session despite the previous one being less than twenty minutes ago.

And we’re off, only twenty minutes late- great job mama! Only three out of three crying (gold star)!!
I’m glad people are waiting for us, sigh! (These people are most likely super mamas-of course they are-with super well behaved kids- and they are never late to anything…)

Today is one of those random school holidays that nobody has ever heard of- at least I haven’t. I think the teachers just need a break-and I don’t blame them at all, quite the opposite in fact, but it makes it a little (a lot) difficult on the parents (mommies mostly, who are we kidding here…?).

I think maybe you are supposed to jump for joy on school holidays. “Yay, a whole day (days/week… I mean, seriously “ski week” is coming up…) to spend with my precious offspring-my greatest wish come true!!!!”

I know that I’m being unfair here, I should be thankful to spend more quality time with my oldest (at least I could pretend better, beaming gratefully and nod with the other moms agreeing that a free day off of school to spend with your “little one” is the greatest blessing ever). But it’s not about my son really, (he is pretty great MOST of the time), it’s that I have two more kids (in quite difficult ages) with different demands and schedules (and I’m not the best at changing plans and schedules- being inflexible and all…).

Like I said, I really try to embrace this (these) school holiday (hmm). My son is actually (dare I admit it) my best behaved child at the moment (no; really). The littlest one is mr. Whinny, crank monster lately, extremely demanding, loud and wants to nurse around the clock…and my daughter’s requests and tantrums when they are not being meet, are just getting more ridiculous by the minute. Soo, back to my oldest; at least you can TALK to him, and reason with him (well somewhat) and he is starting to understand consequences…

He is growing up, my little man-my first born (insert beaming, teary eyed, proud mommy moment here; but for real this time!!) Amongst his nonsense (as in makes no sense what…so…ever), he all of a sudden makes a lot of sense, like he knows things I never knew he did, he senses things, he listens (about 20% more than before-which probably means he NOW listens about 20% of the time) and he remembers everything (although he always has-I swear even as a baby I understood that this one was special (I know cliche it sounds- but it’s so true!). He is still as full of energy as ever, can never sit (not even stand) still, usually up to no good with that gleaming look of mischief in his eyes, so darn cute and I swear a heart of gold that one!

Anyways, I know I went on and on and ran away with that one…my point is that amongst my three adorable, lovely kids he might just right now win the spot of the loveliest…except…

When he uses his “school scissors” (bought especially for school projects and homework by his loving mother) to cut huge holes in his brand new “work out pants” (bought by his not so lovely- and hysterically un-athletic mother who forces him “to finish what he started” – meaning “hoops”- no idea at first that it was basketball, and tennis- which he despises most days-but to be fair to his poor parents who paid good money for these after school/extra curricular activities; loves other days). Maybe that is why the nice, brand new “work out pants” got sliced…

All I know is the same child who begged to get out of “hoops” is suddenly having a meltdown that he can’t play today.

This morning I had to load all three kids in the car in acceptable clothing (and it’s cold too) to take them to sister’s dance. She is of course extra grumpy and doesn’t want to wear her brand new long sleeved ballerina dress (short sleeved in the laundry…and did I mention how cold it is) and wants her mom to watch her dance but not her brothers…

Anyways, I call the mom who organized the play date and apologize profusely-luck has it they were late too, not as late of course (only “two kid late”-not “three kid late”) but still!

The play date starts out nice enough, a little chit chat, the boys seem to get along. But soon baby wants to eat and I hate leaving my oldest playing without me watching (but hate asking the other moms to, even more). I tell his in my stern mommy voice…to behave, and take the youngests to the restroom.

Of course the girl refuses to potty, in the middle of potty training and all, and only wants to use her pink princess potty at home…and baby has a disgusting, leaky diaper and there is nowhere to change him but the cold, hard, dirty stone floor.

When we are all done, all heck has broken loose since my oldest has proceeded to pour sand all over the heads of his friends (to be fair it wasn’t unprovoked or malicious and I’m pretty sure he thought it was part of the game)…

It’s just simply time to say good bye!

My daughter disagrees, she wants to swing…and lets the whole park know!!

Next up is Panera because this mama is starving and this restaurant is not only nearby but convenient and kid friendly and near the grocery store Trader Joe’s where I need to buy specific, approved snacks for the oldest’s snack and lunch for school.

Little girl barely makes it to the bathroom but sits down like a good kid but unfortunately soaks her “big girl underwear” AND pants with pee in the process (do you know how difficult it is to help a 2 year old potty with a big, unhappy 9 months old strapped to you in a baby carrier…?? Just checking).

I’m not sure what to do (while “mr. No school today” is screaming about a cookie- and being specifically starving for a cookie…) but then have the brilliant idea to put an “old” (as in “she is out of diapers, not used eww) diaper on her instead of the wet clothes she obviously can’t wear. I’m so lucky I found one of her old diapers in the diaper bag.

Not lucky…or brilliant…NOT at all…

She has a very short dress on, and I can barely take her to the car with her bare bottom hanging out, let alone the store for the snacks we desperately need (I’m being honest), but after all that talk about “no diapers”, “finally big girl undies” and “being a big girl” I get it, believe me I get it…

But she doesn’t get me…at all…

So the boys and I wait it out. Some ladies come in the restroom to offer “helpful” advice…but apart from making sure she doesn’t hurt herself…we let her be.

At one point I sit on the toilet to breastfeed baby boy because he starts wailing, apparently starving…AGAIN.

And then we eat, and go to the store- in a diaper (two counting baby’s) and minus a “no cookie meltdown”,  we are all smiles!!!

Next stop Kindergarten- Part II

img_8223img_8221img_8220img_8226img_8237img_8228The first day of real school comes sooner than we expected (its probably like that for everyone). All of a sudden it’s the morning of THE FIRST DAY of kindergarten. We have plenty of time to get ready (when does that ever happen?!) and my son carefully puts the clothes on that we laid out for him the night before. He lets me brush his teeth and his hair (this is not normal mind you). He goes potty without complaining (I know…odd), he even has some breakfast (who is this dude?).

Now even though we woke up super early (and I promise myself that we will keep this routine…all the while knowing we probably won’t make a week…) it is hard to plan for the needs of the toddler and the baby as I’m trying to help my oldest for his very first day of school. The joy over the 4 months old sleeping through breakfast is short lived as he freaks out for milk as we are about to leave. Good thing we are early…not as early after my two year old decides to poop the second I back out of the driveway though…

Knowing that we will have to park and walk, greet the teacher, other parents and have coffees with the moms (a school arranged “activity”) afterwards, I know I have no other choice than to leave the two boys (one of them crying, worrying that we are going to be late, the other one bawling over more milk…or needing to burp…or some left over colic or I don’t know…just to be difficult) to unlock the door, go back inside (without letting the dog out) to take off (well half of it) her carefully picked out outfits to change this diaper!

Poop on the leggings! Oh well, sniff on some in the nearby laundry basket (or you know, bathroom floor…close enough) and on they go! Okay! Grateful that we still have minutes to spare!

Back in the “cry car”, we manage to get the whole crew towards the school.

Now the new school has an odd parking system. They do have a parking lot so that you can park and walk your kiddos to school, but it’s really small and a first come, first serve kinda deal…
If you do park and walk (considering you do get a spot) you can’t leave though because you are stuck with the line of cars blocking your exit, driven by parents who are trying to drop off their kids curbside (we are not allowed to do this with our precious, tiny kindergarteners just yet). My plan is to park across the street at a nearby church and walk to school (only problem being crossing the busy street, with the only cross walk located on the furthest end of the block).

Now we are officially running late, I can’t really justify jay walking with a baby in a carrier, a toddler in one hand and a kindergartener (gulp) in the other, so of course we walk the long way towards the “legal” crosswalk. Except the two year does NOT want to walk (like at all), its tears and snot and “carry me mama”, dangerously close to “tantrum town”. But mommy can’t carry her two year old-because she also has a 4 MONTHS old…and a 5 year old who wants all attention on him…because today is his very first day of “real” school…

So even though we make it across the street, which is slightly hazardous because I’m letting the oldest hold on to the carrier with the little baby while I basically drag the toddler after us with both hands. Calm down-she is fine…

But unfortunately she is not exactly fine. As we finally reach the gates of the school. I know where the classroom is and where to enter and drop off (I even timed it “perfectly” because of course I did…except you can NEVER time anything perfectly with 3 kids in tow) and we made it-with exactly 1 minute to spare mind you. This is when it happens, everyone is already there (because hello most important Milestone ever- first day of kindergarten people!!!) and my little girl trips and falls.

It happens right in front of everyone and when she had finally stopped crying and walked like a human…you know like actually walking (not being dragged against her will…oh that will). I mean seriously I had not much to do with this fall, except maybe I should have paid better attention to her…but like I said, oldest’s first day of school happening as we speak.

The fall is not that bad and she doesn’t even cry…until she sees the blood that is. As you may know, our daughter is a preemie (my water broke eleven weeks early so I was put on hospital bedrest before they had to take her out six weeks prematurely due to the risk of infection) and it may not be related but when she bleeds, she bleeds a lot. All the big blood disorders have been ruled out thankfully but unfortunately her blood does not clot properly and we will have to evaluate her further to find out more.

As we enter the school gates, blood is gushing from our little girl’s knee soaking through her dirty leggings. Of course we get some “gasps”, and “oh my Gods” and “is she OKAYs”. My son is freaking out about his sister one second and the fact that it is, you guessed it, his very first day of school the next.

I promise not to cry…

About the whole situation in general but about it being my tiny firstborn baby boy’s first day of school in particular. It’s not like I haven’t left him in school before…but that was three hour preschool…THIS is different…

Of course I’m not going to cry, I know I won’t, who does that? (apparently these women…) but not me, no never…

I’m in shock and beyond surprised, because as my oldest lets go of my hand to go join his brand new classmates, at his brand new school in front of his brand new classroom…

I cry…

 

 

 

Creepy crawlers, Indian Summer BBQs and a Baptism

Before we know it, August is here!
It’s still insanely hot (both outside and inside) so having a pool to cool down helps (minus the bees who apparently also want to cool down and drink the water). The kids have both benefited greatly from their swim lessons. The only downside is that they are displaying some risky behaviors their parents aren’t completely comfortable with. Water confidence has somehow translated in water UN-safety. My husband almost had a heart attack when baby girls went out (and then promptly disappeared) in the deep end and despite her safety vest went under…

luckily he wasn’t far away and was able to scoop her up rather quickly. She stayed on the side in the shallow end with her dollies for awhile after that (a day or too max).
The boy is insane, jumping and “swimming” in the deep end, flinging off his vest because he can (apparently) swim now-even though we require the vest on in the deep end at all times. If anything, I think we have to watch them MORE now. I’m terrified of that secondary drowning thing. Can you imagine? They seem fine and then they die in their sleep- your worst nightmare-literally! Even though I’m sure there must be more to the story…?

My first born is spending his first week of August at a local animal camp. It’s a rescue, hospital and shelter for all types of animals-and it’s right down the street. I’m hopeful that he will love spending time with and learning about different animals and sure enough he seems to be having a good time.
It’s hard to know sometimes since he doesn’t tell me stuff (is that already starting? Not telling your mom things… not even how your day was at the tender age of 5..?)

One of my friends who has her little boy at the same camp see a huge rattle snake in her yard and tells us about the horror. Since she lives in the same area as us my fear of these deadly (seriously) snakes comes back. I scan our yard like a madwoman every time I let the kids and our dog outside and I have nightmares about one of them getting bit. I drill them in “snake safety” (probably scaring them more than teaching them). My fear is not irrational however, they do come out in this heat and bites are not entirely uncommon-it does happen.
At a BBQ get together for our Neighborhood (complete with a huge bouncer, snow cones, pony rides and square dancing) a man tells us the terrifying story how a rattle snake bit him twenty minutes AFTER the head had been separated (with huge scissors) from its body. Freaking crazy is my reaction! Apparently this is completely possible. Another dad of a young daughter who will start kindergarten with our son, said that he had to save his kids from a rattlesnake the other week in their POOL. Okay, this is stuff nightmares are made of.

We also have friends over to the house for BBQs of our own. It’s so nice to sit outside eating with good friends, the warm summer breeze, the lush palm trees and the many hot air balloons flying by. Kids are running around the house which now really feels like a home and I feel completely satisfied and comfortable to my core- what a great feeling. I have such a great family, wonderful friends and our house is finally coming together. We have unpacked everything, decorated just enough to be able to live and with some added style (with my mom’s help and excellent touches), I have the kids on somewhat of a schedule, they have gotten “used to” the baby, his colic is basically gone and he is eating (great) and sleeping as well as can be expected (not so great still)!

Even though beautiful, warm and serene, August is the month of creepy crawlers, huge spiders, snakes and even scorpions. BUT, it’s also the month of baby’s baptism!

It will be a time of celebration and family! My husband’s dad will baptize the baby like he did our other two and he will wear the gown my dad wore when he got baptized as the other two did (the baby not my father in law!!)
My parents are both flying in and we have a hectic but fun packed week planned. The whole house is excited!!

We go to the beach, beautiful locations in our new neighborhood, coffee shops and yummy restaurants, outlet malls and even a sightseeing tour of our scenic downtown. We take the “bus that turns into a boat” touring the harbor and the kids love it. I’m sitting with the baby who thankfully sleeps for the first half of the tour-especially since my daughter is out of control and I’m worried about her falling overboard. There is a ton of bouncing, yelling and climbing going on. Luckily she calms down when we spy some dolphins and sea lions up close. Then it is baby boy’s turn to wake up very unhappy. My big boy sits with my dad and they seem to enjoy themselves. Baby cries are escalating but before we know it the now boat turns right back into a bus again and we drive back through the downtown (where I have a lot of fun memories from long ago-some blurrier than others…).

The kids are so excited to have their Swedish grandparents here, my big boy also knows it is the last hurrah before school starts, my daughter loves talking to my mom and do girl stuff with us while the baby really takes to my dad!
My parents go out to dinner with my husband’s parents and have a great time (me sitting up waiting with my tea and my babies like I’m their parent too). We are also treating my parents to a much needed night out at the theatre!

But the main even is Sunday’s baptism, which doesn’t exactly go according to plan…

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How STUPID…

IT?? Did I really hear that right? We just had a long discussion clarifying that I DON’T want to know, right!?
I lay there eyes closed thinking to myself did she just tell me…? Does it mean IT or…?
She answers that there was a “close up of the genital area” just that.
As they give me the shot I’m still confused. Did she disclose what I’m having? Did I just find out the gender of our baby?  She couldn’t have- we just talked about us not wanting to find out…but what else could that have meant? – why would I have had to close my eyes when I can’t even distinguish between the birth canal and the baby’s arm…?  Maybe she was just giving me way too much credit? And it? Well maybe I would have spotted that… But if it was nothing there?
I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have known what I was even looking at. beung my third journey, maybe she thought I was now some sort of expert!? (How very wrong in that case).

We decide that dear husband has to be there for the next shot to learn how to give me them (I don’t know who is more nervous, him or me…wait I do, he is!). I can’t even think about the shot, the king needle  and all the side effects right now, all I know is it did sting!

And we leave it at that.

As I walk towards the hospital parking garage and my car I immediately dial hubby. As I am baffled by the ultrasound “confession” and as I do want to emphasize and analyze what happened I am very animated (I tend to be very animated and detailed with my husband-since he is the direct opposite…lets just say he needs me to emphasize things and he needs me for that bit of added drama in his life… Who am I kidding, although true, I’m quite animated with all my close friends and family but that is just me…take it or leave it AND it means I have emotions, I’m not fake and I CARE!) So anyways, I  tell him (more like “yell him”) what happened. Yes I’m loud-as I tend to get while excited, mad or riled up! I walk fast and talk fast telling him how “it” MUST be…right?  and doesn’t he think so and did she accidently tell me and do we know now? What do YOZu think? (Without catching my breath here) How STUPID does she think I am, I mean really? How stupid?? And how stupid is she…?? And on and on..

Unfortunately I use stupid A LOT. It’s like once I start I get really into it and there is no stopping me. I mean, it’s not that big of a deal REALLY. This was just my PLAN, and I might have felt like if I could control this little part of it well…at least I could control that part…and that felt good.

I had hoped all along that IF I was lucky enough to already have one one of each and IF we would have a third- we wouldn’t find out and it would be a wonderful surprise (this plan has already proven more difficult than “planned”.

As mentioned before; with all the previous worries this was something I wanted…

Now it was- might be ruined! Or not-I just wasn’t sure, but it felt good to yell, to exaggerate, to vent- to let it all out. Even if I called the poor woman stupid, I didn’t mean it-not really. She had been nothing but nice to me and actually seemed very sweet and capable. I felt good about seeing her through my pregnancy. This phone call had in fact very little to do with her but once I got the ball rolling blaming her, I couldn’t stop myself, not take it back and not downplay the fact that she had told me to close my eyes so I wouldn’t see “it”. She did say it (IT) but to be honest I wasn’t as sure as I told my husband of her stupidity…

As I walk across the bridge exclaiming how dumb it was in fact to even tell me to close my eyes this early on, I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell what was what even on the black and white unfocused screen, and into the parking structure, I turn around…

And there walking RIGHT behind me…

“miss Stupid” of course!

There she is, my “stupid” physician assistant who will see me biweekly and then weekly through out my pregnancy AND who will help deliver my baby…
Who feels utterly stupid now?!

What could IT be?

I’m already 16 weeks, can you believe it!?
I officially climbed out of the pit of despair! (Only kidding, wasn’t that bad…or well). See it happened again, within a week I forget how bad I really felt (how awfully, horribly, terribly bad). This middle part I wouldn’t mind re-living over and over!

I survived the waste of a month that is September (okay, joking yet again and apologizing to you September lovers out there-I do love fall it’s just I always get sad summer is gone and while the “back-to-school stuff is fun” it’s usually already over when September begins-and the heat-the 100+ degree heat with this year’s severe nausea and vomiting as an insanity bonus it was- well let’s just call it rough! Yes the darn insect infested, heat infused, miserable September…well I survived).

I also survived October in a fog a Halloween to-do-lists (do you have any idea the mountain of responsibilities in a mom of a preschooler’s schedule-especially during holiday months!?) dizzy spells, headaches from hell and again the inability to keep the (greasy) food down (sorry, try not to visualize) for more than a few hours…I survived!

I’ll have you know I love Halloween, it’s one of my favorite holidays and despite of my ehh slight temporarily disability..eh I mean madness (I mean glowing glory) I think I managed to make it fun for my kiddos! I mean we did dress up as the cave-stone age family after all. Think pregnant cave woman, bearded muscle cave man and little pebbles look alike! Little guy was the dinosaur and even though we might have our history slightly mixed up there (and I formally would like to issue another apology to fellow feminists everywhere) we did pretty well if I say so myself!

I was still in an antisocial funk, feeling both rude, easily irritated, too hungry to seem appropriate and scared I would throw up on the people who dared to come near me. Translation: we celebrated Halloween alone this year! With lots of pizza followed up with lots of candy curtesy of our neighbors going all out-not just with the food and candy (and wine!, no I didn’t have any…!) but with garage doors as movie screens and courtyards as “spooky grave yards” and whole houses turned into haunted houses (that I did have to pay for, trust me… the intake of calories I mean not the excess in scare tactics).

Anyways back to my 16 weeks and the glorious second trimester. I made it to November and it’s now time for the appointment where I get to take my very first progesterone shot-in my butt of course (lucky me!). But first up-another ultrasound!

Loving the ultrasounds! A chance to see the baby and what is going on in my own tummy (insane if you think about it and quite extraordinary) – okay let’s face it I don’t know what’s up or down or what body part I’m starring at (or even baby’s or mine) but it’s still very special. I also get to hear the fast and steady heart beat! This is the best part of going to these high risk specialist! The biweekly ultrasounds!

As every week I remind the nurse that we don’t want to find out the sex of the baby! Because we don’t!
At least I don’t!

This might seem like quite the shocker- to both family and friends, since I am quite the self-proclaimed hysterical planner after all- but I always thought (I mean planned) that if I would ever have a third child after the blessings of a boy AND a girl that we wouldn’t find out. Life most wonderful little surprise! (Cliche I know… one of life’s few surprises and yada yada yada).

I have ALL the stuff for both kinds (trust me, when I comes to baby-I’m prepared!). And it’s now also cleaned, laundered and boxed up ready for the baby- boy OR girl!

All we want is healthy of course (and human…) but this way after all the worry and fear it adds a little fun and positive mystery to the journey. So again I remind the nurse, DO NOT want to know! She reminds me to tell whoever is doing the ultrasound every time-we actually talk about it.

Yet, nor even ten minutes later she yells to me to close my eyes fast because I don’t want to see IT…

“Mama, when will you stop acting CRAZY?”

Thanks for catching up with me while I caught up myself. It’s been a whirl wind of emotions and physical and emotional exhaustion but I (we) just made it past the first trimester!

I feel better, (at least my morning sickness ONLY happens in the morning now-and I’m not tired ALL the time), excitement is creeping in and I’m less annoyed, irritated and frustrated (I said LESS) and have more energy to spend with my kids. I can be (at least from time to time) the laughing, singing, dancing, playing FUN mama again!

Only a few weeks ago, it felt like the fog of nausea, uncertainty (can I do this?), frustration and fatigue would never lift. Sure I went about my (our) day, always doing what I was supposed to (except cook- lots of take-out meals going on) what was expected, dropping off and picking up, changing diapers and wiping butts, cleaning up and doing laundry, reading books and kissing goodnight! In the midst of it all I’m teaching a brand new class with its new set of challenges. It’s hard to take care of two spunky kids, a dog, a part time job and a household when feeling like this-trust me. I’m not complaining- no not really but I am stating that ALL the mom stuff is not easy or joyous ALL the time. There is a lot of musts and sometimes you can get lost in the process. YOU as a person -not only a mom and it’s like I feel that MORE going through this a third time- there is almost no more room for just ME the person, to just breath and be…well ME.

I love my kids beyond belief, but they are very demanding. Sometimes it’s a good thing because it’s gives me less time to think and focus on the less glamorous parts of expecting and worrying but sometimes that time is needed. The me-time as a mom-to-be to think of yourself, your changing body and to dream and fantasize about that little baby to be (worries and all) is so important but sometimes feels like a luxury reserved for first time mommies only.

With the increasing number of doctor appointments and the realization that we in fact will have to make room for another family member in our hearts and lives-forces me to understand that it is important for this mom-to-be (third time or not) to find me-time and time to breathe!

The turning point was probably when I tried to take both kids out on a bunch of musts that couldn’t have been fun for them-especially since this mama probably didn’t make it very fun…
There was the bank and the post office, Steinmart to get a dress that would fit for an upcoming party and lastly Target for some baby gifts for a friend who had just welcomed her fourth (!) and winter clothes for the holidays in colder weather as well as a bunch of boring household/cleaning items.

I overdid it…a lot …with two whiny, tired play-deprived kids in tow.

First up bank (incredibly boring), then the post office where little man couldn’t play with the toy train (major drama. “Why mama, whyyy?”, next up was Steinmart. I think I leave that story for another time… Can you say “toddler tantrum”?!

I certainly didn’t  eat or rest enough even if my kids got frequent snack breaks. Target is good for that- not so much if you are a mom though… (I promised I paid for each and every item). No one was in a good mood.

When we got home (after violently throwing up everything I did eat) I got a text from darling husband saying he wouldn’t be home until after 8 and bedtime.

We are up in baby girl’s room sorting through clothes and the baby gifts we got. Big brother is tearing off tags (and I’m sure he just wants to help) and I tell him to stop because we don’t know if we are keeping them. “Why?” Oh isn’t that the new favorite word in his vocabulary! (I wonder how many times a day I hear that). I do try to explain that if items do not have tags on them-they cannot be returned and gifts need tags on them so people know you bought them brand new for them. “But why mama, WHY?” I (why?) recently told my son that “I don’t know” is not a good answer and that he should always try to think and then answer the question before just answering with an “I don’t know”…
Man have I had to eat my words since then…
I try desperately not to answer any of his whys with “I don’t knows” but sometimes it’s difficult to know why “that man is doing this or that” or “what the girl is thinking” or why someone’s hair is brown” or “car is green” and don’t think I haven’t answered in the most clever ways possible thinking of great “learning moments” in stories of “that man rushing home to see his family” or the “girl thinking about her little sister”, “brown is a beautiful hair color on her because she got that hair color from her mother” and “green is the car owners favorite color since he got his very first green toy car from his dad”  But the whys never stop, they are seriously never ending. And sometimes the question don’t have answers or I simply DO NOT KNOW! (Especially about weird insects or dinosaurs …or body functions). So let me say it again; it’s difficult to not snap “I don’t know” as an answer.

Anyways, this night I do just snap “just don’t rip the tags off okay!!” (Dang hormones…can’t I blame them?…just a little)
“But why mama, whyyy?”
“Because I said so, that is WHY”
Oh gosh did I just utter those words (shutter)
“But WHYYY?”
“I don’t KNOW” yelling now (what a great mom- superior really).
I turn around to finish folding little sisters clothes as I hear another rip…

Yep, the boy has ripped the tag off of all the baby gifts we just bought…

I flip…I mean am I wrong here? The boy infuriates me sometimes. He is not even sorry as he grins. “You said “I don’t know” and that is NEVER a good answer”. I drag him to his room after putting little girl in her crib. “I told you NOT to do that”…

Great, just great- now they are both crying! And so am I!
As I pick baby girl up I stand between their rooms trying to steady my breathing. I just got mad at a 4 year old for ripping some silly tags…and I guess throwing my own words back in my face. Yay me! It’s been a really long day.

After I calm down? I go get my inquistitive “boundary testing” little boy- who can stay mad at that one for very long anyways?!- and go about our night and then bedtime routine- up first something to eat!

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As we go in the kitchen, my son looks at me with a serious expression “mama, when are you going to stop acting CRAZY?”

Yes indeed…do I laugh or do I cry?

Like I said, second trimester, I welcome thee!

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