Crushed Expectations

IMG_0561At first you might be mildly suspicious, but you are busy and life happens and more pressing things are on your mind…. (besides it is truly unimaginable…)

But then those sneaking suspicions resurface and you decide to finally just check, counting the tiny squares on your smartphone (because that is usually how we check our schedules nowadays).

And of course it doesn’t add up, of course not, but we have excuses- so many excuses (do breastfeeding on demand and having -just a couple- irregular periods since baby count…?) and besides it is IMPOSSIBLE, so there is that (protection WAS involved).

So the days go by until you finally just need to face the inevitable, because you just NEED to know, even though it’s impossible (well at least not very likely….). And so you grab the bull by its horns and take that stupid test- the same test that has terrified you, worried you, exhilarated you and excited (actually even empowered) you before.

The last few times you were happy, giddy- anxious but excited-willing it to show a plus sign, this time you are just not sure. And even if you are tired and weary (so darn tired) that same familiar excitement starts bubbling up from somewhere deep inside even if that is not the way you thought you would feel, that is not the way you should feel or at least it is unexpected because this is wrong and huge and overwhelming….

Let alone the timing…
The timing is so very, very wrong.

You have a baby, in fact you have more than one baby…but one that actually still IS a baby (nurses-check! Cries-check! Wears diapers-check! Crawls-check! Babbles without real words-check! Take naps-check! Is teething-check! Won’t sleep through the night-check! Needs you for everything-check!).
He needs you-that baby that you already have and the others in your family-they NEED you- and you are only ONE person (no matter how you try to split yourself up into two, three or even four….)

All this is true and yet…

Yet you know if that damn stick is negative, you would feel the slight sting of (of WHAT you crazy, insane woman you???) …
Disappointment…

The shock is real and all consuming. Even if all that you felt (and didn’t want to allow yourself to feel but felt anyways) is true, you are still in shock. The room is literally spinning so you sit down again (even if you have taken way too much time to yourself already, even if someone probably needs you right this second, even if…).

This will change a lot…

When you are a planner and an organizer the smallest things you didn’t plan (and can’t control-just face it-throw “controlling” in the mix) throw you off more or less (less or more?) and you have to regain your balance (your control) and make it right!

First you freak out (because that is who you are and that is what you do) … but then you calm down and you think, and analyze and absorb (and this doesn’t take long to be honest) and then you RE-PLAN and RE-ORGANIZE and re-structure and slowly, slowly you re-gain some CONTROL (needed some input from your mom because who doesn’t need their mom when big things happen?!)

A baby for Christmas, well actually for Halloween (or weeks before). But I would bring another one home for the holidays…another child, another baby…

This IS happening, as in THIS year, this same very year that we are currently in. Will I be able to deal with this?

A mom AGAIN …

I thought we only made babies in the summer. Beautiful spring babies!

Last time it was very different. Yes we endearingly called him a “surprise blessing” and our “bonus baby” but even though he wasn’t planned, we went for it and we knew (of course we knew) the chance and the possibility, and he couldn’t have been more welcomed and longed for and perfect.

This was one tiny (huge) mishap.

Even if different, I don’t mean this is not welcomed or imperfect in any way, shape or form (of course not, never) it just wasn’t on our minds at all-we didn’t know (of course we didn’t) the chance- risk? (because we didn’t exactly “go for it”) and there didn’t seem to be any possibilities.

I went to the obgyn the other week to get on birth control. With my daughter the regular birth control pill made my (her) milk disappear. This time I read that if you take the “mini” pill (progesterone only) it won’t.

I tell her my story and she laughs.

She actually laughs out loud (for more than a few seconds too), it’s actually quite rude…

Not the story about the milk of course…

The story about the mishap.

The celebrating New Years, the making the most of children sleeping- and not on top of us (a miracle in and of itself), the planned protection…and the…mishap.

She laughs…

She calls me OLD (can you believe it…? The audacity)

And the breastfeeding (at night still too and on demand). It’s suppose to make it IMPOSSIBLE…

It’s less than 2% “risks” she says, you have absolutely nothing to worry about…

But here we are…

I’m starting to get happy, starting to feel calm and “right” and perfect! I can do this!! I truly am super mom!

And we plan, and we talk, and we organize and we think, and we are EXCITED!

We are not telling anyone, we are waiting.

After the initial shock and blame (let’s face it who WOULDN’T blame their husband in this situation??) I have landed,  and it is nice and I feel strong, actually (thanks hormones??) I feel on top of the world…

We can do one more, we are supposed to have one more, this is good, this is right, this is US…

Am I nervous? Of course!
Am I anxious and overwhelmed? Naturally!

Am I happy?
Yes incredibly happy despite it all, because how can you not be?

You go around for weeks with this incredible secret that nobody knows (but you, your man and your mama) and you kind of glow (from within only) and you are kind of smug (because you are in on this huge, amazing secret).

When people say “you have your hands full” and you just smile and your insides don’t freak out anymore but they turn warm and your heart grows just a little…

Because that is the thing about hearts..they grow and they expand and they make room!

This could have been a funny, charming and beautiful story…

When you are expecting, you are just that “expecting”. Expecting so very much, you expect, you dream, you plan.

You take things for granted…

Really, you should never ever take things for granted in life…

EVER-how is that for a life lesson…?

Because when it all comes crashing down..

You don’t EXPECT it…

 

 

 

“Boys will be boys”…

It’s been a year since I last took my son to soccer. Then he had a really difficult time following directions and more importantly understand them (soccer balls are definitely not dinosaur eggs! And why should I chase you now, when I wasn’t allowed to a while ago?). He was barely 3 years old and had a brand new sister at home and more ants in his pants than the soccer coach could handle. I stood at the sidelines trying to help and stay involved but truth be told, I was honestly mostly nursing the baby (like every five minutes-still hadn’t gotten the hang of the whole breastfeeding in the baby carrier yet while standing/covering up) and I was also concerned about my little preemie getting too much sun, getting too hot, being exposed to germs…you name it. Which by the way I now realize was maybe not fair to my little guy, but you know what? The baby really needed me back then (like desperately) and it wasn’t like my boy was unhappy. He ran around like a little wild horse, managing to do exactly the opposite of whatever the coach was telling them to do. Thank goodness his little “bestest girl’s” (it was love even back then) mom was there to lend a hand (such tremendous help I don’t know how I would have survived soccer and numerous other things without her).

This is why I was quite pleasantly surprised (try stunned) that soccer went so great this time around. First of all the coach (a super tanned, slightly older, muscular woman, I swear she must be Californian “born and raised”) seemed really great with the kids, but my son actually LISTENED, took advice and followed through! Amazing!

He went with his little buddy who also did great (but that has always come more natural for him) and they both seemed to have a genuine fun time. That always warms a mama’s heart!

I didn’t exactly get to rest by the sidelines despite my son’s good behavior, because remember that little needy preemie girl? Yes, now I had to run after her (chasing her in a mad dash), trying to prevent her from stealing soccer balls and team jerseys: my goodness she has become fast and stubborn!

It was what came after the soccer that nearly had me snap (in half-no putting me together possible….nearly). Well it actually started as they set up for the next group of little soccer players; my own little player kept kicking the cones and throwing away the colored jerseys   (they were supposed to be covering the cones for the game). On purpose! I get so upset with him, why would he do that? After he had done so well too. Eventually he got reprimanded by an older coach who had come to watch and only then would he put the cones and jerseys back (reluctantly) despite my persistent instructions for him to do so-while our friends were waiting (sigh).

We then had the brilliant idea to go to dinner (like in a real restaurant) because the boys were probably hungry (I know I was). No hunger is worth what we had to suffer through at that restaurant though…

I stayed (relatively) calm through the loud talking (lets tell it like it is shall we: screaming), standing while screaming (not sitting), not eating, while standing and screaming. I almost stayed (semi)- calm while they (both but guess who was the instigator AND motivator) threw crayons out the window (yup!) and force held him on my lap only after the fifty eleventh time I had “calmly” (well, you know), told him “don’t stand, yell, throw, kick, run, spit, hit…”

I’m pretty sure people were starting to go from uncomfortable to actually bothered. There were other people with kids at this place and we were sitting outside (outside voices ha ha) but my friend and I both had to agree that these angel children surrounding us most be much older (well, clearly). Her son behaving much better of course but if we were under any kind of illusion that we could sit and actually have a meal, we were obviously harshly and rudely mistaken.

As “sony” dearest apologizes and gets to go back to his chair (still standing) he starts playing with his cup of juice as I tell him “no” repeatedly. There was a lot of juice and ice in that cup and a trendy older couple have just taken their seat right next to us as the sticky liquid literally gets everywhere, including the side of their table and place setting. Right!

I take a last longing look at my barely touched Caesar salad as my darling daughter announces with a wail that she is SO OVER IT. What happened to my princess who has actually been SITTING and EATING QUIETLY this entire time?

Yes, this all happened and I might be sweating and my frustrations level is high (but boys will be boys and all of that…) but that is STILL not what11255083_10153470895312640_1099744101406841331_n 11667398_10153470893907640_6299264496710203145_n 11705231_10153470893912640_7962492476381349670_n 11737807_10153470893957640_2818763555144195694_n 10425159_10152532816852640_9205249070484135330_n

pushes me over the edge…

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