Crushed Expectations

IMG_0561At first you might be mildly suspicious, but you are busy and life happens and more pressing things are on your mind…. (besides it is truly unimaginable…)

But then those sneaking suspicions resurface and you decide to finally just check, counting the tiny squares on your smartphone (because that is usually how we check our schedules nowadays).

And of course it doesn’t add up, of course not, but we have excuses- so many excuses (do breastfeeding on demand and having -just a couple- irregular periods since baby count…?) and besides it is IMPOSSIBLE, so there is that (protection WAS involved).

So the days go by until you finally just need to face the inevitable, because you just NEED to know, even though it’s impossible (well at least not very likely….). And so you grab the bull by its horns and take that stupid test- the same test that has terrified you, worried you, exhilarated you and excited (actually even empowered) you before.

The last few times you were happy, giddy- anxious but excited-willing it to show a plus sign, this time you are just not sure. And even if you are tired and weary (so darn tired) that same familiar excitement starts bubbling up from somewhere deep inside even if that is not the way you thought you would feel, that is not the way you should feel or at least it is unexpected because this is wrong and huge and overwhelming….

Let alone the timing…
The timing is so very, very wrong.

You have a baby, in fact you have more than one baby…but one that actually still IS a baby (nurses-check! Cries-check! Wears diapers-check! Crawls-check! Babbles without real words-check! Take naps-check! Is teething-check! Won’t sleep through the night-check! Needs you for everything-check!).
He needs you-that baby that you already have and the others in your family-they NEED you- and you are only ONE person (no matter how you try to split yourself up into two, three or even four….)

All this is true and yet…

Yet you know if that damn stick is negative, you would feel the slight sting of (of WHAT you crazy, insane woman you???) …
Disappointment…

The shock is real and all consuming. Even if all that you felt (and didn’t want to allow yourself to feel but felt anyways) is true, you are still in shock. The room is literally spinning so you sit down again (even if you have taken way too much time to yourself already, even if someone probably needs you right this second, even if…).

This will change a lot…

When you are a planner and an organizer the smallest things you didn’t plan (and can’t control-just face it-throw “controlling” in the mix) throw you off more or less (less or more?) and you have to regain your balance (your control) and make it right!

First you freak out (because that is who you are and that is what you do) … but then you calm down and you think, and analyze and absorb (and this doesn’t take long to be honest) and then you RE-PLAN and RE-ORGANIZE and re-structure and slowly, slowly you re-gain some CONTROL (needed some input from your mom because who doesn’t need their mom when big things happen?!)

A baby for Christmas, well actually for Halloween (or weeks before). But I would bring another one home for the holidays…another child, another baby…

This IS happening, as in THIS year, this same very year that we are currently in. Will I be able to deal with this?

A mom AGAIN …

I thought we only made babies in the summer. Beautiful spring babies!

Last time it was very different. Yes we endearingly called him a “surprise blessing” and our “bonus baby” but even though he wasn’t planned, we went for it and we knew (of course we knew) the chance and the possibility, and he couldn’t have been more welcomed and longed for and perfect.

This was one tiny (huge) mishap.

Even if different, I don’t mean this is not welcomed or imperfect in any way, shape or form (of course not, never) it just wasn’t on our minds at all-we didn’t know (of course we didn’t) the chance- risk? (because we didn’t exactly “go for it”) and there didn’t seem to be any possibilities.

I went to the obgyn the other week to get on birth control. With my daughter the regular birth control pill made my (her) milk disappear. This time I read that if you take the “mini” pill (progesterone only) it won’t.

I tell her my story and she laughs.

She actually laughs out loud (for more than a few seconds too), it’s actually quite rude…

Not the story about the milk of course…

The story about the mishap.

The celebrating New Years, the making the most of children sleeping- and not on top of us (a miracle in and of itself), the planned protection…and the…mishap.

She laughs…

She calls me OLD (can you believe it…? The audacity)

And the breastfeeding (at night still too and on demand). It’s suppose to make it IMPOSSIBLE…

It’s less than 2% “risks” she says, you have absolutely nothing to worry about…

But here we are…

I’m starting to get happy, starting to feel calm and “right” and perfect! I can do this!! I truly am super mom!

And we plan, and we talk, and we organize and we think, and we are EXCITED!

We are not telling anyone, we are waiting.

After the initial shock and blame (let’s face it who WOULDN’T blame their husband in this situation??) I have landed,  and it is nice and I feel strong, actually (thanks hormones??) I feel on top of the world…

We can do one more, we are supposed to have one more, this is good, this is right, this is US…

Am I nervous? Of course!
Am I anxious and overwhelmed? Naturally!

Am I happy?
Yes incredibly happy despite it all, because how can you not be?

You go around for weeks with this incredible secret that nobody knows (but you, your man and your mama) and you kind of glow (from within only) and you are kind of smug (because you are in on this huge, amazing secret).

When people say “you have your hands full” and you just smile and your insides don’t freak out anymore but they turn warm and your heart grows just a little…

Because that is the thing about hearts..they grow and they expand and they make room!

This could have been a funny, charming and beautiful story…

When you are expecting, you are just that “expecting”. Expecting so very much, you expect, you dream, you plan.

You take things for granted…

Really, you should never ever take things for granted in life…

EVER-how is that for a life lesson…?

Because when it all comes crashing down..

You don’t EXPECT it…

 

 

 

A Surprise Blessing

Okay, okay this is happening- it is true… yet it can not be…

I’m in complete shock and in utter denial, not because I didn’t want this (of course that would never be the case- ever) but because it is so impossible. I don’t know why I’m surprised really (I mean I did throw up in a porta potty at a wedding…and an airplane bathroom…rental car place and retirement home…) or wait, I do know why I’m surprised! This wasn’t planned and I’m a world class planner (it’s true ask my husband , note pad and my google calendar).

For Pete’s sake, I had wine at my sister’s and lots of it. I had doctors appointments and dental appointment with x-Rays lined up for my Mom’s visit. I’m enjoying sushi, sandwich meats, exotic cheeses, fancy coffee drinks and tons of tea and of course both salmon and tuna.  I’m eating fenugreek for increased milk supply (super bad), I have a toddler who just learned how to sleep through the night and then suddenly stopped because of something named hell…I mean “toddler sleep regression” and I literally have my hands full with my two!

I always wanted a third. This is true! I even fantasized about names, room themes, analyzing sibling order and gender preferences. We were three growing up after all (seemed the ideal number for us). Before our daughter we (who am I kidding I) had “planned on” trying a third time if we had another boy only. Really thinking that we would have another boy it seemed like the perfect plan. I know I know, there is no such thing as the “perfect plan”. But with a daughter and everything we went through I was just relieved and happy (satisfied…no really) and blessed beyond measures! By the way, I would have been blessed and happy with another boy of course but I can’t deny the joy over my beloved daughter (that mother/daughter bond is after all something really special…and I am by no means discrediting the “specialness” of the mother/son bond- this is just my story, but I also see and recognize my husband’s incredible bond with our son- not to say that I don’t have a bond with my son.) Anyways, I’m rambling!

After the water breaking prematurely eleven weeks before my daughter was due, the long bed rest, the premature delivery, the breathing difficulties, the blood issues, the infections…I’m just glad that we are all okay! She is a happy, healthy toddler today and I couldn’t be more glad and proud of her and how far we all have come! I am really truly happy and satisfied (really!). The mere thought of doing it all over again and even the thought of something going wrong… And worse this time, it’s just not worth it!

We have everything we could ever want and more. We are (were) so lucky and ready to move on as a family of four! Yet (oh yet!) the seed had been planted years ago (decades ago really) that I always wanted three. I didn’t have twins like my mom (which seemed convenient when I was a kid, mostly because well, she had two at the same time, eliminating another pregnancy and one of each- what a bonus!- but now after having to take care of one newborn at the time, realizing the catastrophic effort it most have been taking care of TWO of them at the same time.)

Talking about the “perfect plan”; after all the “drama” with our daughter, once we had finally gotten into the beautiful phase of real baby hood (after NICU and readjustment at home, having gotten a hang of sleep schedules and breastfeeding…nah, not really), I briefly discussed the idea of having another one with my husband. With our judgment cloudy by the sweetness of our baby and how everything had turned out pretty great in the end we both agreed that: maybe YES! My mom has this theory that with your rose colored glasses after having endured the pain of child birth and on no sleep and the added love hormones and endorphins cursing through your mangled new mommy body (newness each and every time) you always think it’s a good idea to have “another one”- preferably right away!! Because if you can do THIS you can do ANYTHING over and over! She might have a point there! Anyways as the year went on (also as my mom predicted) the desire went away slowly with each illness, nursing struggle and stinky diaper! Not really, because of those… because secretly I see myself as a pretty awesome baby momma! A baby momma ninja really! I got this stage down!!! And I love it (the following stages however…not so much…and they do grow you know… and fast). But starting over? All over? Doing it all over again? The sleep deprivation, the sore nipples, the confused zombie stage, the WORRY, the germs, the fragile vulnerability, the emotions? At my age? Hmm.

When my husband announced while we were working out (almost back to my pre-pregnancy body by the way with added muscles- even wore short shorts the other day-MOI!!!) that he would actually want another one, he did surprise me but he also opened up that achy feeling of maybe just maybe, one more. Aren’t babies amazing after all? And what about my childhood want for three kids when I grew up (my Barbie alter ego always had three!) I love, love babies, their dependency on you, their sweet smell, sweetness, baby rolls, their smiles, their trust, their tiny toes and noses, their cuddles and giggles and FIRSTS! But since I had just been through all of that and still have a BABY after all. We decided to wait until our baby was at least two years old to bring the topic up again (we also have our- my- “advanced” age working against us- but nowadays anything seem possible- and not as much of an obstacle).

I worry too… so much (probably too much) about my kiddos on a daily (minute-ly basis) could I get one more in my mommy heart to worry about?

I also can’t have anything happen to me since I’m a mom to two little ones and it would break my heart if something went wrong again (I’m not sure my psyche could handle that) and what about the logistics of not being able to concentrate on taking care of myself and a new life because two lives already depend on me? Maybe these are all mom’s worries? I mean I worried about my son before my daughter was born.

On the other hand I feel like children are the meaning of life and the ultimate blessings. Creating and carrying new life is miraculous. I just couldn’t help feeling like we would be asking for TOO much wanting another one (Hybris and all that), so we (I) decided to wait- hold off on the planning- that was the plan!

Yes I planned and yes we planned…and
Here we are! Amongst nursing a toddler and taking every precaution, we are still here!

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And we seriously couldn’t be happier or more excited!!!

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